Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Amazing....

Amazing that my husband admitted to me that he hasnt been the husband he should be, or the one that I need.
I mean.... wow....
just... wow.
He gets it... when I thought he didn't, he actually gets it.
Problem is, our situation has not changed, we are still consumed by our struggles to keep our heads barely above water.
My biggest fear is that all of this is going to take such a huge toll on our marriage, that we may never get back to the place we were. I am afraid that all this stress will put such a wide gap between us that we won't be able to bridge it, I am afraid that this is going to destroy us.... simple as that.
It is not that we don't love each other, we do... more than ever before. but, can love be enough when you are facing losing every single thing you own, not to mention love ? can it ? will it be enough for us ?
I guess only time is going to tell me that....

posted by Cynnie01 @ 1:56 AM 3 comments

Monday, October 22, 2007

The 4 legged family members...


This is one of our 4 legged family members. She has a food allergy, she has to be on prescription food that can only be purchased through her vet. It is expensive ( 68.00 a bag) she can NOT eat anything else !! She is also down to a few days left, and we are OUT of cash. I am afraid we may have to give her, and my kitty, Niki, away. How can I DO that ? I just don't see how I can. She is SUCH a good dog... I have had her since she was 9 weeks old, I potty trained her, trained her to be the good dog she is.. and I love her. Despite her food allergy , and getting into the garbage and making her allergy worse, despite the fact that if she sees a open door, she makes a break for it...
she gives us unconditional love and acceptance, she comforts us when we are sad, and makes us laugh at her silly antics.
I can not just give her away !
Niki is almost 20 years old. I have had her since she was 8 weeks. I saw her through a major surgery as a kitten. I lost her when I moved to Seattle only to get her back from my ex husband when we returned to Michigan. She would never survive going to another home. I can not knowingly send her to her death... she is a beautiful cat, part persian and her coloring is what they call "black smoke" .. her fur is black on the tips and gray underneath. I don't have a photo of her on the computer so I will have to hunt one down.
I could never give my son away... how can I do that with my pets ?




posted by Cynnie01 @ 12:52 PM 2 comments

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The downward spiral....

Why is it, when things start to look up...everything all of a sudden falls apart at the seams.
My husband has been laid off since April..we have both been hunting for, and replying to any and all jobs we find that has even the most remote of possibilities. In EVERY state.
We live in Michigan, and the economy here is the worst in the country, we have the highest unemployment rate in the nation.. homes are being foreclosed on left and right. There are NO jobs here pertaining to what my husband has been trained to do. He is a Field Engineer/Project Manager, specializing in roads, bridges, highways, airports and light rail systems. The problem we are facing however, is, he does not have his degree OR his P.E. ( professional engineers license ). When he started in this business 25 years ago, he was going to school, finished his Associates degree, and was about to go on to get his engineering license... and then he got transferred.. after that, he was constantly on the move, and never finished. He didn't need to.. jobs were plentiful, employers didn't care if he had his degree or not. And now.. with so MANY engineers out of work, employers can afford to be very picky.. and they are. Even jobs that really do NOT need that P.E. are now asking for one. My husband is damn good at what he does... he prides himself on that... but now, well, no one cares . We are also afraid his age has factored into his not finding employment. He just turned 50.. and that seems to be a death sentence now.
He went from making a six figure income to... 10 grand.. a YEAR average, on unemployment. We don't even have 1,000 a month coming in, and our bills JUST the necessities are close to 3 grand per month. We dried up our savings and his severance pay 3 months ago. We had just enough to get by on for three months....now we can't pay anything except our car insurance, our washer/dryer payment and we can manage food. THAT'S IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at my wits end.. hell.. degreed people are working at McDonalds or WalMart !!! I don't see any end in sight.. and with winter almost upon us.. ALL hiring in his field comes to a screeching halt.
I don't know what we are going to do. We have a ten year old son who is depending on US to take care of him.. we are barely doing that. BARELY. the stress and pressure are mounting, and it is taking it's toll on everyone in our house.. and even those outside of it. We are short tempered... our emotions are right on the surface and anything can set them off.. even tiny, simple things. I cry ALL the time... I don't want to wake up in the morning to face yet another day of this hell.. and even if I DO get out of bed.. I barely function, sometimes not even taking a shower.
I have supported my husband through thick and thin, through many, many major upheavals in our life together. I have stood by him without wavering once.I have fought FOR and WITH him.. to keep our marriage alive...we have been through SO MUCH in our twelve years together.. and now.. well...I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not even a glimmer of one.
I am hanging on by a thread.. my only lifeline is the love I have for my husband and my son. The only hope I have is to see us through one more day... just one more.. it has to get better.... RIGHT ????????????

posted by Cynnie01 @ 7:31 PM 4 comments

Friday, October 05, 2007

Happiness through sheer determination



WOW.. it has been a VERY long time since I have posted here. Life has a way of getting in the way. Especially when you are dealing with such betrayal, and hurt. It has taken us a very long time to get to where we are right now.
Funny thing is... we are HAPPY. It has NOT been easy to make this journey. We have had a million talks .. frank, sometimes hurtful, and always honest, talks. SOmetimes I have been angry, and sometimes I have been very sad... sad for the loss of a marriage I knew. But, VERY happy , and thankful, for the one I have now.
I still have thoughts of HER often.. and of THEM together.. I had some of those this afternoon while we were driving to Sams Club. He took HER places in his car... did he kiss her goodbye ? How did he say goodbye to her ? Was it the same as he says to me ? Was it different ?
I KNOW I have to stop thinking about them together.. but how do you do that ? It has been 4 months since I found out.. and it seems like a lifetime ago.
Do I hate her ? Oh.. my... God... YES!! Do I hate HIM ? I did.. for a long time. Do I hate him now ? NO... he has paid dearly for this MISTAKE ( And yes it was a HUGE mistake.. he has told me that over and over )by losing my trust. Does he have my trust back ? NO.. not in THAT way.. in other ways, yes. But would I trust him with other women now ? NO FUCKING WAY ! I am not sure I ever will. EVER.
My husband is STILL laid off.. which has not helped the stress levels in our household. In fact, it keeps getting worse as winter nears, because Construction and Engineering firms do not hire in the winter months. What will we do to get through winter ? I do not understand why he has not found a job yet.. it certainly is not for a lack of trying. I spend hours on the computer searching for jobs.. and we send resumes like crazy. Not just here in Michigan anymore.. we have long since given up hope that we may be able to stay here .. even though this is home, where family is, the only place our son knows. Michigans economy is the worst in the nation.. with the highest unemployment rate. No, it is doubtful we will stay. And that in itself is tearing me apart.
Why does life have to be such a bitch ?
In one way our lives have gotten better than they have ever been ( our relationship and our marriage ) and then in other ways.. its the worst its ever been...
WHY can't all things just be GOOD for us.. for once ? Am I asking for too much ? Or being punished for something I have done in my past ?
LIFE SUCKS the big one, ya know ?
Ok... I must finish the laundry and other mundane chores before I go to bed for the night... my husband is already sound asleep... gotta love how easy it is for men to fall asleep.. LOL

posted by Cynnie01 @ 12:52 AM 4 comments