Happiness through sheer determination
WOW.. it has been a VERY long time since I have posted here. Life has a way of getting in the way. Especially when you are dealing with such betrayal, and hurt. It has taken us a very long time to get to where we are right now.
Funny thing is... we are HAPPY. It has NOT been easy to make this journey. We have had a million talks .. frank, sometimes hurtful, and always honest, talks. SOmetimes I have been angry, and sometimes I have been very sad... sad for the loss of a marriage I knew. But, VERY happy , and thankful, for the one I have now.
I still have thoughts of HER often.. and of THEM together.. I had some of those this afternoon while we were driving to Sams Club. He took HER places in his car... did he kiss her goodbye ? How did he say goodbye to her ? Was it the same as he says to me ? Was it different ?
I KNOW I have to stop thinking about them together.. but how do you do that ? It has been 4 months since I found out.. and it seems like a lifetime ago.
Do I hate her ? Oh.. my... God... YES!! Do I hate HIM ? I did.. for a long time. Do I hate him now ? NO... he has paid dearly for this MISTAKE ( And yes it was a HUGE mistake.. he has told me that over and over )by losing my trust. Does he have my trust back ? NO.. not in THAT way.. in other ways, yes. But would I trust him with other women now ? NO FUCKING WAY ! I am not sure I ever will. EVER.
My husband is STILL laid off.. which has not helped the stress levels in our household. In fact, it keeps getting worse as winter nears, because Construction and Engineering firms do not hire in the winter months. What will we do to get through winter ? I do not understand why he has not found a job yet.. it certainly is not for a lack of trying. I spend hours on the computer searching for jobs.. and we send resumes like crazy. Not just here in Michigan anymore.. we have long since given up hope that we may be able to stay here .. even though this is home, where family is, the only place our son knows. Michigans economy is the worst in the nation.. with the highest unemployment rate. No, it is doubtful we will stay. And that in itself is tearing me apart.
Why does life have to be such a bitch ?
In one way our lives have gotten better than they have ever been ( our relationship and our marriage ) and then in other ways.. its the worst its ever been...
WHY can't all things just be GOOD for us.. for once ? Am I asking for too much ? Or being punished for something I have done in my past ?
LIFE SUCKS the big one, ya know ?
Ok... I must finish the laundry and other mundane chores before I go to bed for the night... my husband is already sound asleep... gotta love how easy it is for men to fall asleep.. LOL
posted by Cynnie01 @ 12:52 AM
4 Comments:
I am so glad that you are back!
I thought that maybe the insurance thing was working out for you...I was hoping, anyway.
I marvel at your capacity for forgiveness. I would be thinking the same things as you..Did he take HER to this place? All of those questions would drive me crazy. Your husband must want to earn your trust back in the worst way...You have been through so much.
I hope that things get better. I am still praying for you every night. Praying for myself, too, lol. Jessie might be home, but that is all of the good news that I have to share. Work is slowing down, and we are facing eviction next week. I have no idea what we will do. None. My prayers were answered with my daughter, so I wonder if I even have a right to ask for more.....
SIGH.
Anyway, I am glad that you are back. Ranting helps, a little bit, doesn't it?
i am always saying a prayer for you as well.. and i will NOT tell you what i hate hearing, when you are in a stressful situation that you have NO idea how to get out of, you hear... " everything will work out in the end ".. while that may be TRUE... it is not something you want to hear at that exact moment.. lol. i AM keeping all of you in my thoughts that something GOOD will come your way !!! YOU, as much as ANYONE, deserves that much !! and as far as "SHE" goes.. she is a constant thorn in my side.. i am always reminded of HER, since apparently we share some of the same acquaintences, and SHE seems determined to befriend all of MY friends i have made, and JUST when i am starting to heal, she pulls more shit.. like what is happening NOW. it just NEVER ends.. some days i just wish she would drop off this earth forever...no matter how hard i try.. shes always there haunting US.
I forgot to tell you that she added me as a friend...Yeah. Right. I KNOW that this person is HER and I have no use for her. She can look for friends elsewhere :)
yeah.. i almost died when i saw that she had added you, then i got MAD.. i mean.. WTF ? what is HER agenda anyway ?????????
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