Finally...
I finally remembered my password. with everything that I have going on, I am surprised I even remembered it.So... here is the update :
My husband has taken a job overseas in India. He will be gone anywhere from 4 to 12 months ( I really have no idea how long)
how am I doing with this news ?
not good... not good at all.
I am not sleeping well
I can't eat ( its been 3 or 4 days now, I forget )
I cry ALL the time, even when I don't want to cry, I do.
I am stressed
scared
and very miserable.
This isn't the first time we have been through this. Right after ( the day after, in fact) we got married, he went to Korea for work. I fell apart. Literally. No one knows this, but I found out I was pregnant after he left. Shortly after that, I had a miscarriage ( probably around 6 weeks give or take ) I had a horrible time with being seperated from him
And now, this time around, I have a 10 year old boy, who thinks his Dad created the earth. OH, he says hes okay with his dad going. But he is only 10. He can't SEE beyond the present. When will it hit him ? The day we have to take his Dad to the airport and say goodbye. How the hell will I be able to do that ? How the hell will I be able to console a child, when I am not even sure how to console myself ? How am I supposed to be strong for not only him, but for me as well ?
Oh... my husband says " you'll be fine" ... no... I WON'T be fine, and neither will our son.
I am going to be dealing with the aftermath of this for weeks and weeks, if not months.
So.. off he goes to India, being put up at some fancy Hyatt Regency hotel near the airport he is working on. No cooking, no cleaning, the ONLY thing that will be on his plate is work, what to eat, and once a week doing his laundry, although the hotel probably has a service for that too.
And then there is me. Trying to deal with a 10 yr old, trying to manage all the things that he did while he was here, plus all of my own responsibilities to manage.
How nice.
Want to bet, I rarely get a phone call? Want to bet, he doesn't miss ME nearly half as much as we will miss HIM ? Oh, he SAYS it will be tough on him too... yeah. right.
I can not even begin to explain here, the thoughts and feelings in my head.
I am pissed...
because once again, we are dealing with something we should never have to be dealing with.
yeah... he will be working again, we will be able to pay our bills again, and maybe even put some away. not much consolation in that for me, I'm afraid.
So.. let's recap the last 9 months shall we ?
**Husband gets laid off in April
** Find out said husband has had a 8 month long affair
** Trying to deal with the unemployment as well as said affair ( yes Lisa, I know you read this... maybe you already knew about the affair, but in case you didn't... now you do )
** Working on relationship while dealing with above issues
**Being witness to a little 4 1/2 yr old boys death
**Having a good friend die 2 days after little boy
**Car was reposessed ( which we do have back at least, thanks to my mother)
** Said mother cutting me out of her life ( again ) because we went to her for help ( again )
** Husband leaving country for work, leaving us behind for God only knows HOW long.
Hmmmmmmmm... wonder why the hell I am stressed beyond the breaking point ? Gee... i can not imagine.... huh.
And THEN, on top of ALL of this, the company he is going to work for ( he worked for this company 4 years ago ) can not even GUARANTEE he will have a job when this assignment is over. So all of this heartache and stress will be for nothing ? That we are going to find ourselves right back here eventually ?
again, nice.
I find myself shutting out everything, and everyone around me right now. I don't want to talk to anyone ( least of all my husband ) I have pushed him away... it is what I do, it is what I have always done. And it is so ingrained within myself, that I can't stop it.
So... there you have it... the last 9 months of my life in a nutshell... what fun.
posted by Cynnie01 @ 12:29 PM
9 Comments:
Hi Cynnie, Big Mouth here. I would like to write you but only if its okay with you.I am sorta confused and then sorta I get where you are coming from. I am just wondering what would you like to have happen? Lately my husband is doing part time truck driving delivering new cars for his place of business.I hate it.This week-ensd they are sending him to Prescott Az. I am praying the weather isn't snow.Tomorrw he is going to Grants new mexico. I think its not good up there weather wise. I am like a little girl when he is gone. I miss daddy. I live in the country and its pretty lonely here. I have a few neighbors but only know one older man. If I didn't have my loud dogs I would freak out. He has gotten to where he enjoys doing this driving. He gets stuck doing shit work alot of the time so driving gives him a break and he is making pretty good money for a change. As much as I hate him being gone it sure is nice to get the bills paid and fill the cupboards again. I hope it works out for you too.
Hi, me again. Today my husband is several hundred miles away and I am stuck trying to chop a pile of wood and taking care of his damn ducks and all the other stuff that has to be done round here.I feel maybe as happy about this husband being gone thing as you do. We need the money but sometimes I feel a little abandoned.He just called to make sure I fed his ducks. I lied and said I did. Its cold out there and I am not going out there right now. Wheres a damn hungry coyote when you need one?
i also feel like i am being abandoned. and it makes me angry. i KNOW hes doing it for us, but i am still mad. and its fine if you write me, i don;t have one single thing against you. what would i like to see happen ?
hmmmm.. for us to stay together as a family ? for him to have found work HERE ? for our son to not as upset about this as he is ? because when it all is said and done.. i am the one left trying to deal with evry single little thing HERE.. while all he has to worry about is work, staying in a big fancy hotel, deciding what hes going to eat and maybe doing his laundry once a weel ( although i am sure the big fancy Hyatt Regency has aservice for that as well )
and what do i have to worry about ? every single friggin thing. how am i supposed to deal with our son when i am not even sure how I am going to deal with this ? i am scared for his safety and health ( he had polio as a child and that is a concern there ) as well as malaria and yellow fever and typhoid.. the list is endless. on top of ALL the things he deals with, they are now on my shoulders as well as all of MY regular things i take care of, resentful ? yeah.. i guess i am. the money is good, but that isnt much consolation for tearing apart the family like this... sorry.. but i am just really upset right now... i dont mean to be feeling like this really, but i cant help it.. so yeah.. i understand where you are coming from.... but its going to be 3 months before we wills ee him again and he may be gone for up to a year....
I am beginning to have more of an understanding of what you are feeling. Yep, he will be taken care of and you will be left to struggle it out at home. Its like your damned if you do and damned if you dont. Your family needs the money but he wont exactly be suffering like you will. Seems I have been thru that myself years ago. it is true that you will make it but it will be hard to make it and be happy too.I know for me, when the money comes I would feel a little better. Everything is worse when you're broke. I am mad right now cuz my damn wood wont burn and I am frozen. oops, hubby home
Wow. I wasn't sure what to say here. You have a lot going on.
I would miss Shawn like crazy if he were gone for months on end.
On the other hand, we, like you, are in dire straights...Money is money, and if it is GOOD money.....
Try not to shut your husband out. You need to reconnect before he leaves, and spend all of the time together that you can.
This is tough, Cynnie. I wish that I could say more.....
So, How are things going? I hope you are having a great day and you are feeling better about everything.
Hey there, I'm going nuts here waiting to hear how you are.How are you?? Ya know, we can write and keep in touch and be company for you (biddie and me) and you don't have to be friendless. My girl friends have always been a source of great strength and they let me know when I am right in being crazy mad or so far down in the dumps that death seems like a great thing. I am the drama mama. But my friends see right thru my shit and pull me out of it.Let me know how you are cuz I am worried.
hi again.. i have been waging a war inside myself over my husbands leaving. the target date is february 18th. i am in such turmoil over it. one day i think i will be ok, the next i am a basket case. it doesn't help that we actually enjoy being with each other, and have been 27/7 the last almost 10 months. he IS my best friend !!!!
Biddie.. how are YOU ? How are things going ? Are you doing ok ? WIll you be able to hang on for a little while longer ? IF you can, i want to help you out a little.. it may not be alot right away ( i have SO much to catch up on here !! ) but SO many have helped us out, i want to return that to someone else and i want to help YOU. i am not sure how us currency translates into canadian currency.. but i am sure it does somehow. if you can habg on just for another month or so i can help.. really.
MOUTH.. LOL>.. you keep coming up with new insults for yourself, why ? its ok.. we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but its all forgotten now, ok ?i will be grateful for the support.. even if it IS on line. any support is better than no support. i look forward to chatting with you.. btw...you can always email me at cynnie01@aol.com
BIDDIE... i hope you are ok... i am SO worried about you !!!!!
Thanks CYNNIE, I always pick on me. Bad habit. I will e-you and then you can have my name and add. You would now but I never sign in anymore I am too lazy and have no time to blog much. I need to get back to it. I wish I were a better writer.
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