Friday, November 30, 2007

Rest in peace, Markie....

this was written by my husband just this evening. thank you, for putting into words what i could not express. it has been a long, and draining, day. this was a special little boy ( not the one i posted about once before, who could possibly have cancer ). he had the cutest voice, another neighbor refrenced it to a " muppet voice ".i held his mom after they pronounced him gone ( i can not say the "D" word ). i was with her while they were pumping his little chest, and giving him epi to get his heart started again. i was there to witness a grief so raw, that i will never forget this day as long as i live. i held her as she wept. i stayed with her as she held her first born in her arms. i tried to imagine the grief she was feeling, and i could not. no matter how hard i tried, i could just not imagine losing a child. i listened to her blame herself , because she could have done "more". there was nothing anyone could have done for this little boy. the chaplain brought a passage from the bible. what it says basically is that God knows, from the time you are created, how many days you will be on earth. God needed this little boy in Heaven. he will be missed, he will always be rememberd and loved. and we were all better for knowing him, and having him in our lives......





The ambulance came around the corner, sirens blaring. Following close behind, a fire rescue vehicle. Then two more red trucks, pick-ups with trained medics.

They pulled up in front of the house and raced in as quickly as they could, hauling leather and plastic cases. Stethoscopes hung around their necks and their hands were covered with baby blue rubber gloves.

He was upstairs, in the bedroom he shared with his younger brother, younger by 19 months.

When they entered the room, his Mother was bent over him, blowing air into his lungs, trying as any Mother would to help her son. With each breath she forced into his lungs, the pushing on his tiny chest release the breath with a deep gurgling sound.

The paramedics relieved her of this duty as soon as they arrived.

It was apparent that his breathing had stopped, and after checking they found his tiny heart had stopped beating on it’s own.

They quickly inserted a tube into his lungs and began pumping the rubber bag attached to it, all the while making baby like compression on his chest.

After a short while, 10-15 minutes, maybe, they loaded him on the stretcher and took him to the hospital.

His Mother jumped into the car with my wife and the two of them followed the ambulance as closely as they could.

The young man had a bad cough and temperature this past Sunday. His Mom took him to the doctor, where he was examined and sent home to rest, drink plenty of liquids and allow this virus to pass.

Two days later, his fever broke and his Mom was certain he would be feeling better in a day or two. But, yesterday, his chest was heavy with a cough, and he wasn’t feeling well enough to eat.

This morning, he told his Mom he felt better, got dressed, went downstairs to eat some breakfast with his little brother and baby sister. He was tired.

He asked his Mom if he could go and lay down. Noticing that he appeared a bit weak, his Mom helped him up the stairs to his room, she helped him get his t-shirt on and lay down with him. As soon as his head lay flat, he stopped breathing.

I got the call from my wife about 45 minutes after they left for the hospital, he was going to be transported to the hospital in Ann Arbor, he was a bit more stable than when they had left the boys home.
I felt relieved at that news and went and told the neighbors, the ones watching his younger brother and sister. There was a definite sigh of relief that he was being considered stable enough to transport

I sat down to swallow a couple more sips of coffee, smoke a cigarette, and wait for my wife to call me back with an update.

She did, about 20 minutes later, and the news was not good.

This little boy…the one that loved to play and laugh. The boy that was enthralled by Mister Monster’s remote controlled car; the same little boy that innocently asked me if I was the birthday boy, the night before my surprise party. The boy with the sweet smile and high pitched voice, that little angel of a man, had just been pronounced dead.

When I got to the hospital, he was wrapped in a hospital blanket, laying across his mother’s lap, as she sobbed uncontrollably. She would reach down and kiss the top of his head, or stroke the hair on the side of his head. She tried not to look at his lifeless face, (he still had the intubation tube in his mouth.) All she could do was question herself, hold her son, and cry.

Her husband had been notified that his son was sick and had been taken to the hospital, but the decision was made to not tell him about his son’s death. He was driving back from an out of town business trip, and we didn’t think it wise to tell him that his son had passed while he was driving at 70 mph down the freeway.

His Dad got to the hospital and was informed of what had happened. And he wept!

A couple of other neighbors were there with my wife and I to act as a support system for this Mother and Father. We stayed until they were ready to leave the hospital.

So this evening our cul-de-sac, normally filled with holiday plans and cheer, normally planning another joyous get-together of some sort. Tonight we all mourn the loss of four and half year old, Mark.

Rest well tonight little man.
Be with God and his Angels…and know that we all loved you!!!

We’ll do whatever we can to help your Mom and Dad, your little brother and sister.
We will be here for them.

Be at Peace, Markie…

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Okay God.. when is enough, enough ?

ok.. i know the saying, God only gives us what we can handle... but enough is enough already !!!!
SHE has started more crap that pissed off my husband..
and now, we got a call today, RIGHT before Christmas no less, that my brother was arrested and is facing extradition to Michigan for back child support. Now, I know what you are all thinking... and I agree, he should have been paying all along. Right. However, the bitch from hell he calls his ex wife, has been refusing for the last 10 years , visitation. She conveniently would nt be home or would say the kids were sick.. Hell.. I haven't seen them since they were 18 months and 6 months, and the youngest one I have never even met. She won't allow any of my brothers family to see them either. He finally gave up, and moved to Florida 9 years ago... where he has been ever since. They just NOW found him ? I am not sure what is going to happen, but it will be at least 2 weeks before hes extradited, and then I am sure he will spend several more weeks in jail here.
I was looking forward to his yearly Christmas visit.. just a little something hopeful to hang on to, and even THAT has been taken away.
I think God is punishing me for something, I just haven't figured out what yet.
I rarely see my brother. Once a year... at Christmas.
And as far as SHE is concerned... well.. now shes spouting all this BULL SHIT about how she has been "studying" Judiasm for a " great many years " .. BULL SHIT AGAIN... she only became interested when she met my husband, who happens to be Jewish. She started spouting about how GOD died for us.. well.. even I know that GOD did not die for us, JESUS did... and all of her spewing pissed off my husband... he took great offense to what she was saying.
I am weary...
I am tired.. so very, very tired.
My marriage is drifting away from me, and I don;t know how to get it back.
I find myself closing myself off from everyone around me, including him. I KNOW I am doing it, it is like looking at myself through a strangers eyes... but I can not STOP myself from doing it.
Maybe I don'twant to.
Maybe the wall is back up to prevent myself from hurting further.
All I DO know is.. I HATE my life the way it is right now.

I feel so totally lost, and I can't reach my destination because I have no map...

One day I am UP, the next minute it is almost like someone kicked me in the stomach, and I am down on the ground.. all of this up and down is too much for me to handle.
So.. I have numbed myself by closing myself off from everyone, and everything. It is just... easier.

So.. here I am whining again... imagine that. No wonder no one reads this damned thing... I wouldn't either !!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Give Thanks....

Happy thanksgiving everyone ! From our home, to yours.... may you enjoy being with family, and friends on the day we give thanks for what we have, I wish you peace, love, and happiness.... always !

Trying....

I am trying to be thankful.. for what I DO have. But DAMN... it is SO hard when all you see is what you are facing.
Eviction, shut offs, reposessions of our cars, and no hopeful job prospects anywhere.
I KNOW I have a wonderful family, a great husband ( now ), and children I am extremely proud of.
But how do I get past the rest of it, and SEE what I DO have ?

My husband took a part time ( we thought it would be full time ) MINIMUM wage job, that might pay one or two bills and a few groceries, but thats IT. How are we ever going to climb out of this hole we find ourselves in ?

I pray to God a million times a day...for Him to lead us to where we are supposed to be, does God REALLY want to see us homeless ? Does He want us to lose EVERYTHING we have ?
My husband has already lost his dignity, sense of self worth, and his honor... and I have lost my faith in this world we live in.

Yes, we have each other, yes we have love.. but that isn't going to feed us or keep a roof over our heads. Love isn't going to prevent the loan companies from taking our cars, or shutting off our utilities.
We have recieved help from local Churches for our gas bill twice to prevent shut off, but they are becoming financially strapped with so many that are in the same position that we are.
I look in the papers for myself, I spend hours a day looking on line for work for my husband. Between the two of us, we have probably sent well over 200 resumes for him. WHY THE HELL HAS NO ONE OFFERED HIM A JOB ????????
It isn't like he is unskilled, or lazy, or stupid. The one drawback is he has NO degree !!!! 23 years of experience all of a sudden don't seem to count for shit.
NEVER, since I have been with him, has he ever had trouble finding a job. And only once before now, has he been turned down for a job he has interviewed for.
He is losing all hope.. and we are so scared.
I am trying so damned hard to hold it all together... but I am having a difficult time even caring about the Holidays this year. If it wasn't for our son, we wouldn't even put up our tree...
I just do not understand why this is happening to us. We are good, honest people.. we don;t cheat the system, we have paid into the system for years.... but we can get nothing out of it.

But, despite how I am feeling.. I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.. give thanks for what you have... you never know when it will all be taken away....

Friday, November 16, 2007

This is the story of Michigans economy.. and us

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7097585.stm

This is the story of Michigans economic woes, and we were a part of this story... you have to click on the blue link under the red box on the top right for the video....it is VERY bad here... and we are about to lose everything we have... we have applied for jobs in just about every state in the US, and even for some in Canada... its not good....

It NEVER ends....

my son has been diagnosed with ADD. we have known for at least the past couple years that he has been struggling. both my husband and myself were stubborn( in the end though, it was MY decision NOT to put him on drugs ), and did NOT want him on "THOSE" drugs.
but this year, he has been struggling so bad, and i could not, allow him to continue to suffer. we took him to the doctor yesterday, and she put him on Adderal XP... we are praying it works...
but now... since he failed his third math test this year, the kids are all calling him "Mr fails alot ". He is such a good , caring kid, he is devestated by this. He came home crying and now, i feel responsible because i was so stubborn about putting him on any kind of ADD drug.
on top of everything else, we are going through, now I feel like I have failed my son.
This is NOT his fault !!! But it IS mine, for failing to take everyones recommendations on ADD.
He is so far behind in school it's not funny... he is discouraged, and upset, and thinks of himself as stupid. He is NOT !! He is a bright, sensitive, kind child who has a problem with attention. thats IT.

WHY was I so selfish ? WHY was I not putting his best interest FIRST ?

on top of all the other bull shit, feeling like I am failing at everything, including my marriage... NOW I feel like a failure with my son...

no matter what I do... I fail....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Just when you think things are looking up....

you get the shit kicked out of you...AGAIN
My husband was passed over for the last remaining hopeful job... he had a interview this AM that he thought went really well.Apparently it didn't go as well as he thought,and his unemployment benefits have run out. The company we have our washer/dryer through went ahead without our permission and put through a payment on our account. We are now overdrawn... and no money coming in, and no job prospects .
The tunnel has caved in and i see no fucking light anywhere....i am DONE... i can't do this anymore....

i can NOT .......

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

God DOES answer prayers.....

i am not a overly religious person. i do not go to church. i do not give to the collection plate. in fact, Mr M has never even been baptized ( long story )...
but i was so close to losing it the other day, that i sat down, and had a talk with God. i asked him for his help....

to please help my husband find a job
to keep all of us safe with a roof over our heads.

i made this plea, with the codicil that when we were on our feet, i would do whatever i could to, as my husband puts it... " pay forward".
that i would give back what has been given to us...i guess God must have been listening that day....it seems that my wonderful, and amazing daughters, put their heads to gether to try and come up with ways they could help, because neither of them can afford to help "financially", they did the best thing they could, they started writing emails to every organization they could think of.One of those organizations was Gleaners Food Bank. as some of you know, they called us several weeks ago, and had us come down and pick up food.We thought that was the end of it.... we could not have been more wrong.Gleaners does a annual charity/ recognition event for those in the community who have helped Gleaners. The president here, got up and told a story... he read a letter to the group that was attending this fund raiser, and it brought tears to their eyes.That story was the email that my daughters had composed, and sent.
it was read word for word ( minus names ). at the end of that story, a gentleman ( we still do not know who ) asked that the family be contacted and asked if they would give permission, and send along their contact info, so he could get in touch.

That family is us.

He wanted us to compose a letter regarding what we needed, and he wants to help us with whatever is necessary. My husband composed the letter to the woman who works for Gleaners, and sent it off today. i do not know when this gentleman will contact us.And if that wasn't shocking enough, this same woman asked us if we would be willing to interview with the BBC ( British Broadcasting ) who are doing a story on the economy here in Michigan and the US in general. The story is about WHY our government ships billions of dollars in food and aid overseas and yet, can't seem to take care of their own citizens. Did you know that most of the food donations come from corporations overseas and NOT from our own country ? it does
.So.... tomorrow , my husband and i are going to Gleaners for the first half of this interview, and then they will be coming to our house for the second half of said interview.it is going to be aired ( when i do not know ) internationally.my god... a simple letter sent from the heart, has created so many opportunities for us. i do not know how i will ever be able to show my appreciation for the wonderful daughters i have raised. i do not know how i will ever begin to repay the generosity that has all of a sudden been shown to us.
i do not know if i have the words right now to express all i am feeling....my heart swells with pride when i think of these two very special women.
god really does work in mysterious ways.. and just when you have given up hope of ever climbing out.. someone hands you a ladder......