i am trying to come to terms with my husbands leaving in a few short weeks. but it is so damn hard. One day I feel like I will be okay.. the next I am terrified of his leaving, and being gone so long. I KNOW this is our only way out of the financial devastation that the last 10 months has brought us,... i KNOW we will be able to get out of debt, I KNOW it is only temporary.... but I am so scared. I am so worried something is going to happen to him over there, I can't shake the feeling. I think I can get through the days okay.. but the nights.... how will I ever get through those ? we sleep in a king sized bed... and only half of it gets used.. we cuddle all night long, in one way or another, we are always touching. neither of us sleeps well if the other isn't there. He keeps trying to remind me what this is going to do for our future.. and if it all goes as planned.. our future will be mush more secure than it has ever been. we may even be able to actually BUY a house of our own !!! but at what price ? And will that price be too high ? i cry at the drop of a hat lately... and just the thought of having to say goodbye to him at the airport brings new tears every time.. I am not sure I will be able to say good bye... How the hell can I say good bye ? Does anyone know ? Can you give me a good tool to use for that ? I am going to be hurting for a very long time...and the lonliness will be unbearable... I just know it... why does life have to suck ?
I finally remembered my password. with everything that I have going on, I am surprised I even remembered it. So... here is the update : My husband has taken a job overseas in India. He will be gone anywhere from 4 to 12 months ( I really have no idea how long) how am I doing with this news ? not good... not good at all. I am not sleeping well I can't eat ( its been 3 or 4 days now, I forget ) I cry ALL the time, even when I don't want to cry, I do. I am stressed scared and very miserable. This isn't the first time we have been through this. Right after ( the day after, in fact) we got married, he went to Korea for work. I fell apart. Literally. No one knows this, but I found out I was pregnant after he left. Shortly after that, I had a miscarriage ( probably around 6 weeks give or take ) I had a horrible time with being seperated from him And now, this time around, I have a 10 year old boy, who thinks his Dad created the earth. OH, he says hes okay with his dad going. But he is only 10. He can't SEE beyond the present. When will it hit him ? The day we have to take his Dad to the airport and say goodbye. How the hell will I be able to do that ? How the hell will I be able to console a child, when I am not even sure how to console myself ? How am I supposed to be strong for not only him, but for me as well ? Oh... my husband says " you'll be fine" ... no... I WON'T be fine, and neither will our son. I am going to be dealing with the aftermath of this for weeks and weeks, if not months. So.. off he goes to India, being put up at some fancy Hyatt Regency hotel near the airport he is working on. No cooking, no cleaning, the ONLY thing that will be on his plate is work, what to eat, and once a week doing his laundry, although the hotel probably has a service for that too. And then there is me. Trying to deal with a 10 yr old, trying to manage all the things that he did while he was here, plus all of my own responsibilities to manage. How nice. Want to bet, I rarely get a phone call? Want to bet, he doesn't miss ME nearly half as much as we will miss HIM ? Oh, he SAYS it will be tough on him too... yeah. right. I can not even begin to explain here, the thoughts and feelings in my head. I am pissed... because once again, we are dealing with something we should never have to be dealing with. yeah... he will be working again, we will be able to pay our bills again, and maybe even put some away. not much consolation in that for me, I'm afraid. So.. let's recap the last 9 months shall we ? **Husband gets laid off in April ** Find out said husband has had a 8 month long affair ** Trying to deal with the unemployment as well as said affair ( yes Lisa, I know you read this... maybe you already knew about the affair, but in case you didn't... now you do ) ** Working on relationship while dealing with above issues **Being witness to a little 4 1/2 yr old boys death **Having a good friend die 2 days after little boy **Car was reposessed ( which we do have back at least, thanks to my mother) ** Said mother cutting me out of her life ( again ) because we went to her for help ( again ) ** Husband leaving country for work, leaving us behind for God only knows HOW long. Hmmmmmmmm... wonder why the hell I am stressed beyond the breaking point ? Gee... i can not imagine.... huh. And THEN, on top of ALL of this, the company he is going to work for ( he worked for this company 4 years ago ) can not even GUARANTEE he will have a job when this assignment is over. So all of this heartache and stress will be for nothing ? That we are going to find ourselves right back here eventually ? again, nice. I find myself shutting out everything, and everyone around me right now. I don't want to talk to anyone ( least of all my husband ) I have pushed him away... it is what I do, it is what I have always done. And it is so ingrained within myself, that I can't stop it. So... there you have it... the last 9 months of my life in a nutshell... what fun.
we look happy here, don't we ? Like all is right with the world. It is amazing to me how we can "hide" what is truly our life, behind a happy face, or a smile, a laugh, or a joke. While inside we are crumbling into a million tiny pieces. That is the truth of our life. But it doesn't appear that way, does it ? No.. we have become very good at hiding things... thoughts emotions feelings. The truth of the matter is... we are scared. VERY,VERY .... scared. And that fear is taking it's toll.... on us, as individuals, as a couple, as a family.... I sometimes wonder if we will come out of this on the other end... whole. Will we be happy again ? Content? At peace ? I do not know.. i have no answer for that. I would like to think we will... God, I would like to think that. But right now, this day, this second... I just... don't.... know. So much of the past 12 years , specifically, the last 9 or so, have been filled with pain, betrayals, lies, hurts, anger... some of it, by our own hands.. and some of it out of our control. Yet... we have always managed to find our way back. And I have always had that confidence that we WOULD find our way back. That same confidence is missing now... and that scares and confuses me. Have I really given up ? Or is this my way of trying to protect what is left of myself ? Don't get me wrong... I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I always have. And I will probably go to my grave feeling that way. My question now , though, is.... IS love enough ? Is faith enough? Is anything enough to salvage what seems so broken ? Or... IS it broken? I really don't know anymore. I am too damned tired to fight any longer. Just too damned tired......
well... what a great way to bring in the new year.... our car was reposessed today, sometime this morning i guess. the other one will be next... if we want our car back we have to pay it off.... Happy F*%^%&% New Year
I am married, have a 11 yr old son and three daughters 32, 30,and 19(Husbands daughter) a grandson who is 6, and a granddaughter who is 2.I am madly in love with my husband and have been since the day we met on AOL 13 years ago !
