Looks CAN be decieving......
we look happy here, don't we ? Like all is right with the world. It is amazing to me how we can "hide" what is truly our life, behind a happy face, or a smile, a laugh, or a joke.While inside we are crumbling into a million tiny pieces.
That is the truth of our life.
But it doesn't appear that way, does it ? No.. we have become very good at hiding things...
thoughts
emotions
feelings.
The truth of the matter is... we are scared. VERY,VERY .... scared. And that fear is taking it's toll....
on us, as individuals, as a couple, as a family....
I sometimes wonder if we will come out of this on the other end... whole. Will we be happy again ? Content? At peace ? I do not know.. i have no answer for that. I would like to think we will... God, I would like to think that. But right now, this day, this second... I just... don't.... know.
So much of the past 12 years , specifically, the last 9 or so, have been filled with pain, betrayals, lies, hurts, anger... some of it, by our own hands.. and some of it out of our control.
Yet... we have always managed to find our way back. And I have always had that confidence that we WOULD find our way back.
That same confidence is missing now... and that scares and confuses me.
Have I really given up ? Or is this my way of trying to protect what is left of myself ?
Don't get me wrong... I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I always have. And I will probably go to my grave feeling that way.
My question now , though, is.... IS love enough ? Is faith enough? Is anything enough to salvage what seems so broken ?
Or... IS it broken?
I really don't know anymore.
I am too damned tired to fight any longer.
Just too damned tired......
posted by Cynnie01 @ 4:52 PM
3 Comments:
I know what you mean.
I often think that people look at us and have no idea of what really goes on inside our four walls.
I thought that you said that your husband was working at a part time job? Is he still doing that? Has there been any news on the job front?
Shawn has been out of work for awhile now. We have had zero dollars in the last several weeks. If Jessie hadn't gotten out of the hospital, we wouldn't have been able to visit anymore. I ran out of bus tickets. In fact, between you nad me? I was stealing a roll of toilet paper from the hospiatl every time I ran out :)
I keep hoping that things will change. For you, for us. I was really hoping that 2008 would be the best year yet.
Maybe it will - it's only the 5th.
Here's to hoping, and you are still in my prayers.
Hugs, Cynnie, and please don't give up.
Aww..
Another Cynnie!
I'm sorry baby, kisses and hugs..and you're in my prayers.
you can't give up..something good will happen soon..
you just got to keep the faith
Your son is cute.
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