How do you say Goodbye......
He is my father. He gave me life, shelter, food. I know he loved me, and still does, although he has never said the words. No, not once in my entire 49 years has my father ever said ... " I LOVE YOU ", but, I know he does.My father is dying.....
How do you say goodbye ? How do I tell him, that what has kept me so angry at him for 35 years no longer matters ?How do I tell him I forgive him ? How does he forgive himself ? Or, does he even know what he has done ?
I spent most of my life seeking my fathers approval. I never got it. Not once. No matter how hard I tried... it was never good enough, or right enough, always, always there was criticism. My dad would spend time with my brother.. teaching him sports, or how to fish, or just throwing a ball back and forth. I got nothing in the way of time spent. What I got was.. STUFF. "You need jeans ? Here is 20 bucks, go shopping."Whatever I wanted, I got. As far as STUFF went. But what I needed was my FATHER...... that is the one thing I never got.
And now my father is dying, and I am 49 years old. There won't be any more chances. No time to spend with him, no dreams realized. All hopes of hearing him say those 3 little words, dashed. How do I say goodbye ?
And I am angry at him .. for a different reason . For being a selfish man, for knowing there was a problem, and not doing a damn thing about it !!!!
My father has cancer. Not just a singular type of cancer... no.. it could never be that simple, nor could it be treatable. For my father let things go... now it is too late. My mother tried to get him to see a doctor... " what for" he would ask.... maybe for the blood in your urine ? THAT started 2 1/2 years ago. And now it is too late.
Last week on Thursday September 8th, he fell in his bathroom. He had been having symptoms of detioration for months.My mother swore it was alzheimers. Finally, my mother was able to get him into the hospital... but it is too late. They found a golf ball sized tumor in the left frontal lobe of his brain. He refused the surgery, and on Friday the 9th,after a CAT scan, they found more cancer.... in his bladder, his liver, and his lungs. The surgery is insignificant now.
The family all went up to see him , my brother flew in from Florida. And I went to see this man who is my father, the one who gave me life. His life is now fading... like his mind. He has trouble remembering. But I know he remembers what kind of a father he was, or wasn't, to his children. He cried.. yes.. he showed emotion. His eyes filled with tears, if I had not been there to witness it, I am sure I would have called anyone who said my father cried, a liar. My father has never cried. Not even when he lost his own parents. Now, he cries. I keep wondering what he cries for. Is it for a life he could have lived differently ? Is it for his children he never showed affection or love to ? His owm mortality ? Or is it for past mistakes he wishes he could change ? I will never know, because my father will never tell us. I told my Dad I loved him, and for the first time in my adult life, I kissed my Dad. There was skin to skin contact. It was so strange... how I longed for that contact as a child. I had day dreams about my real Dad coming to rescue me, and throwing his arms around me and saying " I LOVE YOU !!!". But it never happened.....because it was just a dream.
As a teenager, I was so angry at my father. I hated him. More than a normal teenage " I hate my parents" stage. I so wanted to please this man and never could !!! The anger and the hate went on for years. And even now... I think there is still some left over. For I have mostly forgiven this man who is my father, but feels like a stranger. Love him ? Yes, I do... how can I not ? I owe him my life. The anger I felt has now been replaced by sorrow... for a man who could have lived life instead of merely existing in it. He could have known and felt so much.... but now it is too late.... for him. But it is not too late for me. I will tell the ones closest to me that I love them, I will tell my children that I am proud of them and what they have accomplished... no matter how small. I will hug and touch the ones I love. I will FEEL life !!!! I will FEEL love !!!! I will celebrate emotions instead of fearing them. You can not be a part of life if you don't live it. And I will live mine..... in honor of my father.... who couldn't.
And I will say goodbye, and tell him that I forgive him, and love him.........this man that gave me life..... my father.
posted by Cynnie01 @ 9:16 PM
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