Love and life... suck
Things dont seem to be going very well in my life. My relationship with my husband, that seemed to be heading in the right direction is now wandering down the wrong road.... my husband is angry.. and I am sure he has it all figured out in his mind that its all my fault... again. It is always my fault... doesnt matter what it is.I knew this was coming.. I saw it months ago.. I kept asking to talk.. we never did. When I did manage to directly confront him.. he would always say.. I am fine, everything is fine. Well... its isnt, and it hasnt been.. FINE, for a long time... months. All I wanted to do was talk and avoid the path that we always find ourselves headed down. I see the signs.. why cant he ?My Dad passed away on the 6th of October... I wasnt allowed to grieve the way I needed to because it wasnt the " right" way. I was told I needed to basically get over it and move on... after about a week. I was hurt, boy was I hurt.So... I hid my grief, bottled it up inside, and pretended that everything was "fine"... but sooner or later it has to come out... and I think that is what has been happening the past few weeks.
I love my husband.. with all that I am, all that I will be.. always. My love has never wavered... but no matter what I try to do... its never good enough.
I klnow hes mad because he thinks I wont go out and find a job part time. He told me in front of our son one day, that I never do anything to help. What he doesnt know is that I HAVE been looking.. in fact, I have even put in several applications. But I havent told him. Why , you ask ? Well... several reasons actually... the most important one was .. I was hoping to find a job and surprise him... I so wanted to make him happy with me. I didnt want to tell him I was looking because then he would always ask if anyone had called yet... no one has. It hasnt done much for my self esteem either. Which is precarious at best. Its bad enough that I have such a low opinion of myself... not being able to find a stupid part time job that ANY idiot could do, has only made it worse. I felt useless before...and if he knew I was looking and not finding anything he would think I wasnt looking hard enough or in the right places.. something !!
I guess he will know now... eventually, since he reads this blog. Maybe this is my way if indirectly trying to tell him that.. YES... I have been looking ( not lately with everything that has been going on )... NO.. I havent been sucessful ( as usual ). And that I am a GOOD person, with a lot to give.. if he could only see it.
Not only am I failing at my marriage and relationship with my husband it seems.. but I cant even find a damned job...
Things HAVE to get better because they sure cant get much worse !!!!!!
posted by Cynnie01 @ 10:37 PM
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