The Countdown is on.....
Ten days before we leave for our MUCH NEEDED vacation !!!! I can't wait.... it will be nice just to get away, with different scenery for a change... our last vacation was two years ago to Seattle. That wasn't much of a vacation for me... it was my husbands vacation.. to see his family and daughter. I got to spend time with his ex-wife... that, to me, is NOT a vacation..LOL !!!Things continue to be good on the homefront... at least I HOPE they are ! My husband isn't one to express his true feelings.... everything is always " fine", even when it isn't. And then one day, he just blows up, and usually over something trivial. I am left standing there, wondering what the hell just happened. So, in MY mind things are good... they could be better, but considering how things usally are for us... I will take "good". I have sensed a gradual, minimal, change , and I did bring that up to him, although he says he hasn't noticed it.. I have. MAYBE it's my imagination, I'm not sure... maybe I am paranoid because of past history, I don't know. I just don't want any more repeats of the past.. I don't think I could take it. The things that have happened in the past.. both in AND out of our control, have left lasting hurts and resentments, I believe. We both say they have been forgotten... but I am not so sure that is the case. This last incident we had brought me right back to Colorado, when he left me and took our son.. I had NO idea that was about to happen, and when I came back from getting my hair and nails done ( all excited to show off the new me to him ), I found the house cleaned out, both of them gone, and a note on the kitchen counter. He and my son ( he had gotten a ex parte order for temp custody ) were gone for two months ( my son was 19 months old)... its was a traumatic experience for me. And.. to be fair.. I have done some pretty shitty things to him as well...giving him the choice between me and our son, or his daughter. They were estranged for quite a number of years... and I would like to think I had some small part in bringing them back together. The guilt over that has stayed with me, and his resentments of that are apparent when things go sour between us. He never hesitates to throw it in my face. I am thinking his resentments haven't gone away like he says they have. Can a couple with total love for each other ( I know, how can one love when one does hurtful things to the other ), get over the past, and move on ? THAT is the question of the day. I would like to think we can... but I also know it takes a lot of time and commitment and above all TRUST. Trust in each other, and in ourselves. We have to prove our trustworthiness to have it earned back. And its a SLOOOOOOOOOOOW process. For the most part I am VERY happy with my husband, and if I had things to do all over again, I would... I have no regrets.. well.. except for the bad parts and my contribution to them. Realistically speaking, every marriage has rocky spots, and arguments, and ups and downs, and I expect those... that is what I mean by " for the most part". My husband is a good man. He's a good Dad to our son, and to his daughter.. he loves my daughters like his own. He works damn hard at his job, and does his best to make sure we are taken care of. He doesn't go out drinking after work, he always comes home. He is home ( when not working ) every weekend, and spends it with his family. I have it really good , considering what I have dealt with in past relationships and marriages.
I need to go in a different direction with this blog... maybe I should start with 30 years ago... GOD... what a book THAT would be...LOL !!! No one EVER reads this thing, I feel like I talk to myself, and I guess thats ok.. I know its kind of boring, and not as witty or exciting as some blogs out there that I have read. I am not flashy or witty, or smart or talented at writing. I'm just a simple person who's main interest in life is her family, and that, to most, is unbearably boring. HELL... my husband reads this blog and never posts any comments either.. LOL !!!!And with that... I will end this boring "self absorbed"( as some bloggers would call this blog) ranting and whining.. and try to start a new direction when I post again. Til then.. Seeeeeeeeeeee ya !
posted by Cynnie01 @ 11:16 AM
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