Life , Love, and the pursuit of......

I FINALLY remembered !!!!

2008-08-25T21:45:00.002-04:00

Wow....it has been a LONG time !!
I forgot my sign in info, until I found it just today while cleaning out my desk.
whew.

So... what has been happening since... um... April ?

A lot....

My husband went to India and was let go 3 months early. yes, we are back to that same situation. Not knowing what will happen from one day to the next.
Don't get me wrong. He HAS a job... in FLorida....
But... we have NO idea when it will start... and we can't wait.
Our savings that we started after paying everyone off first... is gone.
We can't pay Septembers lease payment on our house.
I'm not sure where THAT is going to come from ( nevermind the fact that we paid my Mom back, but she insists she will not "SUPPORT US AGAIN "
HUH ?
Didn't I JUST say we paid her back ?
I wish we had ALL of that money right now.. we would be okay... until the job comes through in Oct or Nov.... or.. whenever.
Really... we would.
But... she won't "support us again"
Go figure.

I wonder where all of that money went ?
Hmmmmmm....

Because of the stress of the last nearly 16 months... constant stress... it has taken a toll on my marriage . Don't get me wrong. We love each other as much as we ever have.
But constant stress, day in, and day out.. has a funny way of doing that.
But we are struggling to maintain what is left of "us".

We aren't doing a very good job.

I miss the way things used to be. I miss my husband. I miss the laughter, the quiet times, the closeness... I miss it all.
But we are so consumed with just trying to stay afloat, to keep a roof over our heads, and food in the house, that we don't have time to nuture all the things I miss.
Does he miss them too ?
I don't know.. we don't talk.
I would like to think he does...

I really can not believe we are right back where we were 6 months ago....

And things were just starting to look bright for us...
Life has a way of kicking us right square in the teeth every time we even THINK things are going to finally go our way...

Maybe that is our first mistake.. believing that they WILL.

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

2008-04-21T09:34:00.001-04:00

My daughter, and granddaughter ( shown ) are walking for the march of Dimes.. if you can help at all.. it would be so much appreciated ! If not, then that is okay too :) I just thought I would try to help her out... I made a donation that brought her over her goal of 200.00. I have had a daughter and a grandson who were born with birth defects.. so it is a nice way to give back for all the help that was given them !!!

Love.....

2008-04-19T11:58:00.002-04:00

we WILL be this happy again...

Nothing new to report on our move to India. Everything is on hold right now. There is no money in the budget, for us, or to Make my husband a new extended contract offer.

Seems the project manager blew through a years budget of 1 million dollars in 3 months time. The company found this out ( he never kept any records of his spending ) when they started the new contract offer to my husband.

Now they have to go back to the client ( the airport) and ask for more money. Of course the client wants to know WHY.. and if my husbands company is worth keeping.

There are a lot of things that have happened... and none of it is good for "us". Too many to list.

Right now, we are proceeding as if it is going to happen.

Our son was enrolled in "The American School of Bombay" last week.. if it all comes together, we HAD to insure him a spot. Tuition for this school is....are you ready ?

SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God, if this goes through, the company pays that. Class sizes are limited to 18 students ( here in the states, there are between 26 and 30 kids per classroom ) so I think our son will get a excellent education !

I just hope it all works out, because.. our track record in that department is not very good. Something has ALWAYS gone wrong... I keep wondering when it is our turn for things to go right, for once...

So.. I keep hanging on by a thread, missing my husband... and just going day by day.

Thats all the news I have...

It's been a while...

2008-03-16T15:44:00.002-04:00

life has not been the same since my husband left for India. All I really live for now are the times we can speak via webcam and voice chat. found a really good program for that called skype..much better in voice quality, but not as good in video, as yahoo.
I take care of our son, who came home sick from camp.. not sure what it was, but I think it was from the food there. He came home very upset and crying, he told me that he didn;t sleep well, was made to eat food that he did not like, kept haviong a dream that when he got back from camp to the school that his DAD and myself were there to get him. Imagine his sadness to realize that it was just me.
He was not acting right at all...when I took his temp, at that time it was 101.2. Gave him some tylenol and he felt better, he asked to go out to play, and I thought maybe it was just a bad week at camp.
Anyway, it got worse from there.. by the time evening rolled around, his fever was 103.4, he was crying about throwing up, had diarrhea and was just miserable. He finally fell asleep.. on the half bathroom floor. I made him up a bed because he didn't want to move, and was up all night checking on him every half hour or so.
In the morning on Saturday, he was mUCH better, but still had a slight fever and diarrhea. After talking to him for a bit, he mentioned how , at camp, they had a rule about not wasting food. if you didn't eat ALL the food they gave you, you got written up. On the last day of camp, a counselor gave him a apple to eat that was brown and mushy, he did not want to eat it but was told he HAD to. When he cut it open, he said it looked like it had red threads running through it. About 2 hours after that is when he started feeling sick.

I am calling the school tomorrow to get some answers about this... because right now I am livid !!! Just when did we go back in time to Hitler's era ? They came around every night and shined a flashlight ine ach kids eyes to make sure they were asleep, if they weren't.. they got written up, and when they got written up, they had some kind of "punishment or other". This is what our son said.. so I need to keep that in mind too.. but I STILL want answers.

My husband is now also sick with montezuma's revenge. Apparently all of the office staff that ate what he did at the staff meeting on Saturday got it too. I said well.. thats what you get for eating catered food that you don't know where it came from silly !! He assured me he would NOT make that mistake again.. LOL.. I really believe him !

Now.. how am I doing...
well.. not good. Not good at all. It is not getting any better for any of us. In fact, it seems to be getting worse. I am still not sleeping well.. I catch bits and pieces of sleep when I can't keep my eyes open any longer, but usually thats only a hour or two at a time. I am not eating much, I can go days without real food. Example.. in 3 days time all I had was a cheeseburger from McDonalds, and I THINK some green beans. I know I need to take better care of myself, but I really have no appetite.

And finally...
The company has asked my husband to extend his stay out to at least a year. After talking to me, and deciding that it would be a VERY good move , career-wise, I agreed.
So... it appears that our son and myself will be moving to India for a year to 15 months ( we want our son to finish out his school year there, at the American school for children of expatriots). We are thinking we will be home in June of 2009.We have done extensive research, found very good health care, a nice place to live ( although ridiculously expensive ( more than 10,000 US per month ) ), there is a western grocery store... all of my husbands paychecks , except for 2 bills we will still have, and whatever the difference in rent will be from what the company allows and what the actual rent is ( we don't know that part yet ). SO financially it makes sense too.
The idea of moving to a 3rd world country does not thrill me, but he assures me if we are careful ( food-wise) we will be just fine. Mumbai is not as bad as everyone believes.
There are a few stories I have to share, but I will save those for another time. One involes several company employees being " on the take".. my husband and his co-worker were on the recieving end of that one. It has created a shit-storm within the company and they have launched a internal investigation on the goings-on in the Dheli office. But it looks like at least ONE person and possibly even the head individual for construction in all of India are in on it, and the one individual and possibly both are on the way OUT the door.Stay tuned on that one...

All I DO know is that my family is torn apart right now, none of us, including my husband, are doing very well with this. And we need to rectify this as soon as we can.

I miss my husband more each day...

He's gone....

2008-03-02T21:36:00.003-05:00

and there is a huge hole where my heart used to be.
He took it with him when he left.

Can't stop the tears... it's been 2 days.But only 41/2 hours since I have seen my husband. It feels like eternity.
Here are a few photos from yeterday, when denial was still in full swing. Reality jumped up and bit me in the ass today driving to the airport. I don't know how to cope. I don;t know how to console a son, who won't let me, he lays in bed and holds on to his dad's shirt and sobs his heart out. He keeps trying to call him to ask him to come home, but he can't.. and that just makes it worse.
I don't know how to help him, or deal with the extreme sense of loss I'm feeling right now. I am so lonely.
And the place where myheart used to be..... HURTS !

D-day.....

2008-02-29T08:14:00.002-05:00

My husband leaves for India on Sunday.
All I have left, are today, and tomorrow, and a part of Sunday. Saturday is being spent running all over, getting family photos taken ( which I will post later ), and going to dinner for my daughters birthday. I feel like all our time is being taken away from us, between last minute issues with the job, the health insurance, family, friends, and everything in between. I don't even want to sleep at night because that is time taken from us too.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I am finding myself more volatile emotionally the past couple days...
And I am so afraid of what Sunday will bring. No.. I take that back.. I am TERRIFIED !!!
I do not know how I am going to "willingly" take my husband to the airport, say goodbye, watch him walk away, and then LEAVE him there... how do I do that ? And then drive the hour and 15 minutes back home again ?

This whole thing is a waking nightmare...

One week left....

2008-02-24T22:29:00.003-05:00

This was taken just last Saturday at my husbands "going away party/night out" with family and friends.

so we have one week left. My husband will most likely be leaving on Sunday, March 2nd.

I do not know how to process this. Before now, it all seemed like it was not real.

Well... reality jumped up and bit me in the ass today, when it hit me that this is our last week together for a long time.

Can anyone out there please tell me how to get through this ?

I really am not sure how I will handle it... and I am scared shitless.

I have been short and snappy today, not meaning to be, but I am becoming very stressed.

and unsure

and afraid.

My husband recieved his shots Friday. And after talking to the nurse on what can happen to him while he is there, has me scared to death.

What if I never see him again, because one of these "things" happens to him ?

What would I do then ?

How could I go on ?

It seems that rabies is rampant there. As is Dengue fever, malaria ( and now the company is saying he doesn't NEED anti malaria meds... WTF ???? ), cholera, Japanese Enciphalitis, omg, the list is endless....

He cant drink the water, eat salads, fresh fruits or vegetables ( unless the fruits have thick skins and he can peel them himself ) all because they grow their fruits and produce in....are you ready ??????

HUMAN WASTE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, you heard me correctly...

I am so worried about his health while hes there, I am sick to my stomach and so stressed.....and he will be 7,800 miles away...

I am trying so hard not to think about all of it because when I do, it becomes so overwhelming that I can not seem to cope.

Please, someone, anyone tell me how to deal with all of this !!!!!!

Our Anniversary

2008-02-12T05:23:00.000-05:00

we celebrated our 12th anniversary February 2nd. We went out to dinner on some gift cards we recieved for Christmas, and went out for drinks after, on some money the Queen mother ( QM for short ) gave us in our card. It wa a nice evening. And we got to forget about his leaving, if only for a few hours. will post more on THAT subject later ( what a cluster *$#@&O )

Anyway.. here is a photo taken the night of our anniversary :) We clean up pretty good huh ?

Reconnecting

2008-01-29T21:01:00.000-05:00

i am trying to come to terms with my husbands leaving in a few short weeks. but it is so damn hard. One day I feel like I will be okay.. the next I am terrified of his leaving, and being gone so long.
I KNOW this is our only way out of the financial devastation that the last 10 months has brought us,... i KNOW we will be able to get out of debt, I KNOW it is only temporary....
but I am so scared.
I am so worried something is going to happen to him over there, I can't shake the feeling.
I think I can get through the days okay..
but the nights....
how will I ever get through those ?
we sleep in a king sized bed... and only half of it gets used.. we cuddle all night long, in one way or another, we are always touching.
neither of us sleeps well if the other isn't there.

He keeps trying to remind me what this is going to do for our future.. and if it all goes as planned.. our future will be mush more secure than it has ever been.
we may even be able to actually BUY a house of our own !!!
but at what price ?
And will that price be too high ?

i cry at the drop of a hat lately...
and just the thought of having to say goodbye to him at the airport brings new tears every time.. I am not sure I will be able to say good bye...

How the hell can I say good bye ? Does anyone know ? Can you give me a good tool to use for that ? I am going to be hurting for a very long time...and the lonliness will be unbearable... I just know it...

why does life have to suck ?

Finally...

2008-01-17T12:29:00.000-05:00

I finally remembered my password. with everything that I have going on, I am surprised I even remembered it.

So... here is the update :

My husband has taken a job overseas in India. He will be gone anywhere from 4 to 12 months ( I really have no idea how long)
how am I doing with this news ?
not good... not good at all.
I am not sleeping well
I can't eat ( its been 3 or 4 days now, I forget )
I cry ALL the time, even when I don't want to cry, I do.
I am stressed
scared
and very miserable.
This isn't the first time we have been through this. Right after ( the day after, in fact) we got married, he went to Korea for work. I fell apart. Literally. No one knows this, but I found out I was pregnant after he left. Shortly after that, I had a miscarriage ( probably around 6 weeks give or take ) I had a horrible time with being seperated from him
And now, this time around, I have a 10 year old boy, who thinks his Dad created the earth. OH, he says hes okay with his dad going. But he is only 10. He can't SEE beyond the present. When will it hit him ? The day we have to take his Dad to the airport and say goodbye. How the hell will I be able to do that ? How the hell will I be able to console a child, when I am not even sure how to console myself ? How am I supposed to be strong for not only him, but for me as well ?
Oh... my husband says " you'll be fine" ... no... I WON'T be fine, and neither will our son.
I am going to be dealing with the aftermath of this for weeks and weeks, if not months.
So.. off he goes to India, being put up at some fancy Hyatt Regency hotel near the airport he is working on. No cooking, no cleaning, the ONLY thing that will be on his plate is work, what to eat, and once a week doing his laundry, although the hotel probably has a service for that too.

And then there is me. Trying to deal with a 10 yr old, trying to manage all the things that he did while he was here, plus all of my own responsibilities to manage.

How nice.
Want to bet, I rarely get a phone call? Want to bet, he doesn't miss ME nearly half as much as we will miss HIM ? Oh, he SAYS it will be tough on him too... yeah. right.

I can not even begin to explain here, the thoughts and feelings in my head.
I am pissed...
because once again, we are dealing with something we should never have to be dealing with.
yeah... he will be working again, we will be able to pay our bills again, and maybe even put some away. not much consolation in that for me, I'm afraid.
So.. let's recap the last 9 months shall we ?

**Husband gets laid off in April
** Find out said husband has had a 8 month long affair
** Trying to deal with the unemployment as well as said affair ( yes Lisa, I know you read this... maybe you already knew about the affair, but in case you didn't... now you do )
** Working on relationship while dealing with above issues
**Being witness to a little 4 1/2 yr old boys death
**Having a good friend die 2 days after little boy
**Car was reposessed ( which we do have back at least, thanks to my mother)
** Said mother cutting me out of her life ( again ) because we went to her for help ( again )
** Husband leaving country for work, leaving us behind for God only knows HOW long.

Hmmmmmmmm... wonder why the hell I am stressed beyond the breaking point ? Gee... i can not imagine.... huh.

And THEN, on top of ALL of this, the company he is going to work for ( he worked for this company 4 years ago ) can not even GUARANTEE he will have a job when this assignment is over. So all of this heartache and stress will be for nothing ? That we are going to find ourselves right back here eventually ?

again, nice.

I find myself shutting out everything, and everyone around me right now. I don't want to talk to anyone ( least of all my husband ) I have pushed him away... it is what I do, it is what I have always done. And it is so ingrained within myself, that I can't stop it.

So... there you have it... the last 9 months of my life in a nutshell... what fun.

Looks CAN be decieving......

2008-01-03T16:52:00.000-05:00

we look happy here, don't we ? Like all is right with the world. It is amazing to me how we can "hide" what is truly our life, behind a happy face, or a smile, a laugh, or a joke.
While inside we are crumbling into a million tiny pieces.
That is the truth of our life.
But it doesn't appear that way, does it ? No.. we have become very good at hiding things...
thoughts
emotions
feelings.
The truth of the matter is... we are scared. VERY,VERY .... scared. And that fear is taking it's toll....
on us, as individuals, as a couple, as a family....
I sometimes wonder if we will come out of this on the other end... whole. Will we be happy again ? Content? At peace ? I do not know.. i have no answer for that. I would like to think we will... God, I would like to think that. But right now, this day, this second... I just... don't.... know.
So much of the past 12 years , specifically, the last 9 or so, have been filled with pain, betrayals, lies, hurts, anger... some of it, by our own hands.. and some of it out of our control.
Yet... we have always managed to find our way back. And I have always had that confidence that we WOULD find our way back.
That same confidence is missing now... and that scares and confuses me.
Have I really given up ? Or is this my way of trying to protect what is left of myself ?
Don't get me wrong... I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I always have. And I will probably go to my grave feeling that way.
My question now , though, is.... IS love enough ? Is faith enough? Is anything enough to salvage what seems so broken ?
Or... IS it broken?
I really don't know anymore.
I am too damned tired to fight any longer.
Just too damned tired......

Welcome to the New Year

2008-01-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

well... what a great way to bring in the new year....

our car was reposessed today, sometime this morning i guess. the other one will be next...
if we want our car back we have to pay it off....

Happy F*%^%&% New Year

Rest in peace, Markie....

2007-11-30T22:52:00.000-05:00

this was written by my husband just this evening. thank you, for putting into words what i could not express. it has been a long, and draining, day. this was a special little boy ( not the one i posted about once before, who could possibly have cancer ). he had the cutest voice, another neighbor refrenced it to a " muppet voice ".i held his mom after they pronounced him gone ( i can not say the "D" word ). i was with her while they were pumping his little chest, and giving him epi to get his heart started again. i was there to witness a grief so raw, that i will never forget this day as long as i live. i held her as she wept. i stayed with her as she held her first born in her arms. i tried to imagine the grief she was feeling, and i could not. no matter how hard i tried, i could just not imagine losing a child. i listened to her blame herself , because she could have done "more". there was nothing anyone could have done for this little boy. the chaplain brought a passage from the bible. what it says basically is that God knows, from the time you are created, how many days you will be on earth. God needed this little boy in Heaven. he will be missed, he will always be rememberd and loved. and we were all better for knowing him, and having him in our lives......

The ambulance came around the corner, sirens blaring. Following close behind, a fire rescue vehicle. Then two more red trucks, pick-ups with trained medics.

They pulled up in front of the house and raced in as quickly as they could, hauling leather and plastic cases. Stethoscopes hung around their necks and their hands were covered with baby blue rubber gloves.

He was upstairs, in the bedroom he shared with his younger brother, younger by 19 months.

When they entered the room, his Mother was bent over him, blowing air into his lungs, trying as any Mother would to help her son. With each breath she forced into his lungs, the pushing on his tiny chest release the breath with a deep gurgling sound.

The paramedics relieved her of this duty as soon as they arrived.

It was apparent that his breathing had stopped, and after checking they found his tiny heart had stopped beating on it’s own.

They quickly inserted a tube into his lungs and began pumping the rubber bag attached to it, all the while making baby like compression on his chest.

After a short while, 10-15 minutes, maybe, they loaded him on the stretcher and took him to the hospital.

His Mother jumped into the car with my wife and the two of them followed the ambulance as closely as they could.

The young man had a bad cough and temperature this past Sunday. His Mom took him to the doctor, where he was examined and sent home to rest, drink plenty of liquids and allow this virus to pass.

Two days later, his fever broke and his Mom was certain he would be feeling better in a day or two. But, yesterday, his chest was heavy with a cough, and he wasn’t feeling well enough to eat.

This morning, he told his Mom he felt better, got dressed, went downstairs to eat some breakfast with his little brother and baby sister. He was tired.

He asked his Mom if he could go and lay down. Noticing that he appeared a bit weak, his Mom helped him up the stairs to his room, she helped him get his t-shirt on and lay down with him. As soon as his head lay flat, he stopped breathing.

I got the call from my wife about 45 minutes after they left for the hospital, he was going to be transported to the hospital in Ann Arbor, he was a bit more stable than when they had left the boys home.
I felt relieved at that news and went and told the neighbors, the ones watching his younger brother and sister. There was a definite sigh of relief that he was being considered stable enough to transport

I sat down to swallow a couple more sips of coffee, smoke a cigarette, and wait for my wife to call me back with an update.

She did, about 20 minutes later, and the news was not good.

This little boy…the one that loved to play and laugh. The boy that was enthralled by Mister Monster’s remote controlled car; the same little boy that innocently asked me if I was the birthday boy, the night before my surprise party. The boy with the sweet smile and high pitched voice, that little angel of a man, had just been pronounced dead.

When I got to the hospital, he was wrapped in a hospital blanket, laying across his mother’s lap, as she sobbed uncontrollably. She would reach down and kiss the top of his head, or stroke the hair on the side of his head. She tried not to look at his lifeless face, (he still had the intubation tube in his mouth.) All she could do was question herself, hold her son, and cry.

Her husband had been notified that his son was sick and had been taken to the hospital, but the decision was made to not tell him about his son’s death. He was driving back from an out of town business trip, and we didn’t think it wise to tell him that his son had passed while he was driving at 70 mph down the freeway.

His Dad got to the hospital and was informed of what had happened. And he wept!

A couple of other neighbors were there with my wife and I to act as a support system for this Mother and Father. We stayed until they were ready to leave the hospital.

So this evening our cul-de-sac, normally filled with holiday plans and cheer, normally planning another joyous get-together of some sort. Tonight we all mourn the loss of four and half year old, Mark.

Rest well tonight little man.
Be with God and his Angels…and know that we all loved you!!!

We’ll do whatever we can to help your Mom and Dad, your little brother and sister.
We will be here for them.

Be at Peace, Markie…

Okay God.. when is enough, enough ?

2007-11-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

ok.. i know the saying, God only gives us what we can handle... but enough is enough already !!!!
SHE has started more crap that pissed off my husband..
and now, we got a call today, RIGHT before Christmas no less, that my brother was arrested and is facing extradition to Michigan for back child support. Now, I know what you are all thinking... and I agree, he should have been paying all along. Right. However, the bitch from hell he calls his ex wife, has been refusing for the last 10 years , visitation. She conveniently would nt be home or would say the kids were sick.. Hell.. I haven't seen them since they were 18 months and 6 months, and the youngest one I have never even met. She won't allow any of my brothers family to see them either. He finally gave up, and moved to Florida 9 years ago... where he has been ever since. They just NOW found him ? I am not sure what is going to happen, but it will be at least 2 weeks before hes extradited, and then I am sure he will spend several more weeks in jail here.
I was looking forward to his yearly Christmas visit.. just a little something hopeful to hang on to, and even THAT has been taken away.
I think God is punishing me for something, I just haven't figured out what yet.
I rarely see my brother. Once a year... at Christmas.
And as far as SHE is concerned... well.. now shes spouting all this BULL SHIT about how she has been "studying" Judiasm for a " great many years " .. BULL SHIT AGAIN... she only became interested when she met my husband, who happens to be Jewish. She started spouting about how GOD died for us.. well.. even I know that GOD did not die for us, JESUS did... and all of her spewing pissed off my husband... he took great offense to what she was saying.
I am weary...
I am tired.. so very, very tired.
My marriage is drifting away from me, and I don;t know how to get it back.
I find myself closing myself off from everyone around me, including him. I KNOW I am doing it, it is like looking at myself through a strangers eyes... but I can not STOP myself from doing it.
Maybe I don'twant to.
Maybe the wall is back up to prevent myself from hurting further.
All I DO know is.. I HATE my life the way it is right now.

I feel so totally lost, and I can't reach my destination because I have no map...

One day I am UP, the next minute it is almost like someone kicked me in the stomach, and I am down on the ground.. all of this up and down is too much for me to handle.
So.. I have numbed myself by closing myself off from everyone, and everything. It is just... easier.

So.. here I am whining again... imagine that. No wonder no one reads this damned thing... I wouldn't either !!!!!!!!

Give Thanks....

2007-11-21T23:28:00.001-05:00

Happy thanksgiving everyone ! From our home, to yours.... may you enjoy being with family, and friends on the day we give thanks for what we have, I wish you peace, love, and happiness.... always !

Trying....

2007-11-21T12:13:00.001-05:00

I am trying to be thankful.. for what I DO have. But DAMN... it is SO hard when all you see is what you are facing.
Eviction, shut offs, reposessions of our cars, and no hopeful job prospects anywhere.
I KNOW I have a wonderful family, a great husband ( now ), and children I am extremely proud of.
But how do I get past the rest of it, and SEE what I DO have ?

My husband took a part time ( we thought it would be full time ) MINIMUM wage job, that might pay one or two bills and a few groceries, but thats IT. How are we ever going to climb out of this hole we find ourselves in ?

I pray to God a million times a day...for Him to lead us to where we are supposed to be, does God REALLY want to see us homeless ? Does He want us to lose EVERYTHING we have ?
My husband has already lost his dignity, sense of self worth, and his honor... and I have lost my faith in this world we live in.

Yes, we have each other, yes we have love.. but that isn't going to feed us or keep a roof over our heads. Love isn't going to prevent the loan companies from taking our cars, or shutting off our utilities.
We have recieved help from local Churches for our gas bill twice to prevent shut off, but they are becoming financially strapped with so many that are in the same position that we are.
I look in the papers for myself, I spend hours a day looking on line for work for my husband. Between the two of us, we have probably sent well over 200 resumes for him. WHY THE HELL HAS NO ONE OFFERED HIM A JOB ????????
It isn't like he is unskilled, or lazy, or stupid. The one drawback is he has NO degree !!!! 23 years of experience all of a sudden don't seem to count for shit.
NEVER, since I have been with him, has he ever had trouble finding a job. And only once before now, has he been turned down for a job he has interviewed for.
He is losing all hope.. and we are so scared.
I am trying so damned hard to hold it all together... but I am having a difficult time even caring about the Holidays this year. If it wasn't for our son, we wouldn't even put up our tree...
I just do not understand why this is happening to us. We are good, honest people.. we don;t cheat the system, we have paid into the system for years.... but we can get nothing out of it.

But, despite how I am feeling.. I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.. give thanks for what you have... you never know when it will all be taken away....

This is the story of Michigans economy.. and us

2007-11-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7097585.stm

This is the story of Michigans economic woes, and we were a part of this story... you have to click on the blue link under the red box on the top right for the video....it is VERY bad here... and we are about to lose everything we have... we have applied for jobs in just about every state in the US, and even for some in Canada... its not good....

It NEVER ends....

2007-11-16T16:41:00.000-05:00

my son has been diagnosed with ADD. we have known for at least the past couple years that he has been struggling. both my husband and myself were stubborn( in the end though, it was MY decision NOT to put him on drugs ), and did NOT want him on "THOSE" drugs.
but this year, he has been struggling so bad, and i could not, allow him to continue to suffer. we took him to the doctor yesterday, and she put him on Adderal XP... we are praying it works...
but now... since he failed his third math test this year, the kids are all calling him "Mr fails alot ". He is such a good , caring kid, he is devestated by this. He came home crying and now, i feel responsible because i was so stubborn about putting him on any kind of ADD drug.
on top of everything else, we are going through, now I feel like I have failed my son.
This is NOT his fault !!! But it IS mine, for failing to take everyones recommendations on ADD.
He is so far behind in school it's not funny... he is discouraged, and upset, and thinks of himself as stupid. He is NOT !! He is a bright, sensitive, kind child who has a problem with attention. thats IT.

WHY was I so selfish ? WHY was I not putting his best interest FIRST ?

on top of all the other bull shit, feeling like I am failing at everything, including my marriage... NOW I feel like a failure with my son...

no matter what I do... I fail....

Just when you think things are looking up....

2007-11-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

you get the shit kicked out of you...AGAIN
My husband was passed over for the last remaining hopeful job... he had a interview this AM that he thought went really well.Apparently it didn't go as well as he thought,and his unemployment benefits have run out. The company we have our washer/dryer through went ahead without our permission and put through a payment on our account. We are now overdrawn... and no money coming in, and no job prospects .
The tunnel has caved in and i see no fucking light anywhere....i am DONE... i can't do this anymore....

i can NOT .......

God DOES answer prayers.....

2007-11-13T22:57:00.000-05:00

i am not a overly religious person. i do not go to church. i do not give to the collection plate. in fact, Mr M has never even been baptized ( long story )...
but i was so close to losing it the other day, that i sat down, and had a talk with God. i asked him for his help....

to please help my husband find a job
to keep all of us safe with a roof over our heads.

i made this plea, with the codicil that when we were on our feet, i would do whatever i could to, as my husband puts it... " pay forward".
that i would give back what has been given to us...i guess God must have been listening that day....it seems that my wonderful, and amazing daughters, put their heads to gether to try and come up with ways they could help, because neither of them can afford to help "financially", they did the best thing they could, they started writing emails to every organization they could think of.One of those organizations was Gleaners Food Bank. as some of you know, they called us several weeks ago, and had us come down and pick up food.We thought that was the end of it.... we could not have been more wrong.Gleaners does a annual charity/ recognition event for those in the community who have helped Gleaners. The president here, got up and told a story... he read a letter to the group that was attending this fund raiser, and it brought tears to their eyes.That story was the email that my daughters had composed, and sent.
it was read word for word ( minus names ). at the end of that story, a gentleman ( we still do not know who ) asked that the family be contacted and asked if they would give permission, and send along their contact info, so he could get in touch.

That family is us.

He wanted us to compose a letter regarding what we needed, and he wants to help us with whatever is necessary. My husband composed the letter to the woman who works for Gleaners, and sent it off today. i do not know when this gentleman will contact us.And if that wasn't shocking enough, this same woman asked us if we would be willing to interview with the BBC ( British Broadcasting ) who are doing a story on the economy here in Michigan and the US in general. The story is about WHY our government ships billions of dollars in food and aid overseas and yet, can't seem to take care of their own citizens. Did you know that most of the food donations come from corporations overseas and NOT from our own country ? it does
.So.... tomorrow , my husband and i are going to Gleaners for the first half of this interview, and then they will be coming to our house for the second half of said interview.it is going to be aired ( when i do not know ) internationally.my god... a simple letter sent from the heart, has created so many opportunities for us. i do not know how i will ever be able to show my appreciation for the wonderful daughters i have raised. i do not know how i will ever begin to repay the generosity that has all of a sudden been shown to us.
i do not know if i have the words right now to express all i am feeling....my heart swells with pride when i think of these two very special women.
god really does work in mysterious ways.. and just when you have given up hope of ever climbing out.. someone hands you a ladder......

Amazing....

2007-10-31T01:56:00.000-04:00

Amazing that my husband admitted to me that he hasnt been the husband he should be, or the one that I need.
I mean.... wow....
just... wow.
He gets it... when I thought he didn't, he actually gets it.
Problem is, our situation has not changed, we are still consumed by our struggles to keep our heads barely above water.
My biggest fear is that all of this is going to take such a huge toll on our marriage, that we may never get back to the place we were. I am afraid that all this stress will put such a wide gap between us that we won't be able to bridge it, I am afraid that this is going to destroy us.... simple as that.
It is not that we don't love each other, we do... more than ever before. but, can love be enough when you are facing losing every single thing you own, not to mention love ? can it ? will it be enough for us ?
I guess only time is going to tell me that....

The 4 legged family members...

2007-10-22T12:52:00.000-04:00

This is one of our 4 legged family members. She has a food allergy, she has to be on prescription food that can only be purchased through her vet. It is expensive ( 68.00 a bag) she can NOT eat anything else !! She is also down to a few days left, and we are OUT of cash. I am afraid we may have to give her, and my kitty, Niki, away. How can I DO that ? I just don't see how I can. She is SUCH a good dog... I have had her since she was 9 weeks old, I potty trained her, trained her to be the good dog she is.. and I love her. Despite her food allergy , and getting into the garbage and making her allergy worse, despite the fact that if she sees a open door, she makes a break for it...
she gives us unconditional love and acceptance, she comforts us when we are sad, and makes us laugh at her silly antics.

I can not just give her away !
Niki is almost 20 years old. I have had her since she was 8 weeks. I saw her through a major surgery as a kitten. I lost her when I moved to Seattle only to get her back from my ex husband when we returned to Michigan. She would never survive going to another home. I can not knowingly send her to her death... she is a beautiful cat, part persian and her coloring is what they call "black smoke" .. her fur is black on the tips and gray underneath. I don't have a photo of her on the computer so I will have to hunt one down.
I could never give my son away... how can I do that with my pets ?

The downward spiral....

2007-10-11T19:31:00.000-04:00

Why is it, when things start to look up...everything all of a sudden falls apart at the seams.
My husband has been laid off since April..we have both been hunting for, and replying to any and all jobs we find that has even the most remote of possibilities. In EVERY state.
We live in Michigan, and the economy here is the worst in the country, we have the highest unemployment rate in the nation.. homes are being foreclosed on left and right. There are NO jobs here pertaining to what my husband has been trained to do. He is a Field Engineer/Project Manager, specializing in roads, bridges, highways, airports and light rail systems. The problem we are facing however, is, he does not have his degree OR his P.E. ( professional engineers license ). When he started in this business 25 years ago, he was going to school, finished his Associates degree, and was about to go on to get his engineering license... and then he got transferred.. after that, he was constantly on the move, and never finished. He didn't need to.. jobs were plentiful, employers didn't care if he had his degree or not. And now.. with so MANY engineers out of work, employers can afford to be very picky.. and they are. Even jobs that really do NOT need that P.E. are now asking for one. My husband is damn good at what he does... he prides himself on that... but now, well, no one cares . We are also afraid his age has factored into his not finding employment. He just turned 50.. and that seems to be a death sentence now.
He went from making a six figure income to... 10 grand.. a YEAR average, on unemployment. We don't even have 1,000 a month coming in, and our bills JUST the necessities are close to 3 grand per month. We dried up our savings and his severance pay 3 months ago. We had just enough to get by on for three months....now we can't pay anything except our car insurance, our washer/dryer payment and we can manage food. THAT'S IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at my wits end.. hell.. degreed people are working at McDonalds or WalMart !!! I don't see any end in sight.. and with winter almost upon us.. ALL hiring in his field comes to a screeching halt.
I don't know what we are going to do. We have a ten year old son who is depending on US to take care of him.. we are barely doing that. BARELY. the stress and pressure are mounting, and it is taking it's toll on everyone in our house.. and even those outside of it. We are short tempered... our emotions are right on the surface and anything can set them off.. even tiny, simple things. I cry ALL the time... I don't want to wake up in the morning to face yet another day of this hell.. and even if I DO get out of bed.. I barely function, sometimes not even taking a shower.
I have supported my husband through thick and thin, through many, many major upheavals in our life together. I have stood by him without wavering once.I have fought FOR and WITH him.. to keep our marriage alive...we have been through SO MUCH in our twelve years together.. and now.. well...I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not even a glimmer of one.
I am hanging on by a thread.. my only lifeline is the love I have for my husband and my son. The only hope I have is to see us through one more day... just one more.. it has to get better.... RIGHT ????????????

Happiness through sheer determination

2007-10-05T00:52:00.000-04:00

WOW.. it has been a VERY long time since I have posted here. Life has a way of getting in the way. Especially when you are dealing with such betrayal, and hurt. It has taken us a very long time to get to where we are right now.
Funny thing is... we are HAPPY. It has NOT been easy to make this journey. We have had a million talks .. frank, sometimes hurtful, and always honest, talks. SOmetimes I have been angry, and sometimes I have been very sad... sad for the loss of a marriage I knew. But, VERY happy , and thankful, for the one I have now.
I still have thoughts of HER often.. and of THEM together.. I had some of those this afternoon while we were driving to Sams Club. He took HER places in his car... did he kiss her goodbye ? How did he say goodbye to her ? Was it the same as he says to me ? Was it different ?
I KNOW I have to stop thinking about them together.. but how do you do that ? It has been 4 months since I found out.. and it seems like a lifetime ago.
Do I hate her ? Oh.. my... God... YES!! Do I hate HIM ? I did.. for a long time. Do I hate him now ? NO... he has paid dearly for this MISTAKE ( And yes it was a HUGE mistake.. he has told me that over and over )by losing my trust. Does he have my trust back ? NO.. not in THAT way.. in other ways, yes. But would I trust him with other women now ? NO FUCKING WAY ! I am not sure I ever will. EVER.
My husband is STILL laid off.. which has not helped the stress levels in our household. In fact, it keeps getting worse as winter nears, because Construction and Engineering firms do not hire in the winter months. What will we do to get through winter ? I do not understand why he has not found a job yet.. it certainly is not for a lack of trying. I spend hours on the computer searching for jobs.. and we send resumes like crazy. Not just here in Michigan anymore.. we have long since given up hope that we may be able to stay here .. even though this is home, where family is, the only place our son knows. Michigans economy is the worst in the nation.. with the highest unemployment rate. No, it is doubtful we will stay. And that in itself is tearing me apart.
Why does life have to be such a bitch ?
In one way our lives have gotten better than they have ever been ( our relationship and our marriage ) and then in other ways.. its the worst its ever been...
WHY can't all things just be GOOD for us.. for once ? Am I asking for too much ? Or being punished for something I have done in my past ?
LIFE SUCKS the big one, ya know ?
Ok... I must finish the laundry and other mundane chores before I go to bed for the night... my husband is already sound asleep... gotta love how easy it is for men to fall asleep.. LOL

A long slow climb back.....

2007-06-04T15:51:00.000-04:00

YES... we have been doing a amazing amount of talking. YES.. it's going to take a long time for the trust to come back , or the hurt to go away. But we are talking. We are finding out things about each other that we never knew. And he is finding out just how far he can take me. The last 5 days have been a blur of pain, hurt, anger, and a lot of love. YES.. I love my husband, YES... he loves me too. Somehow we will find our way back to where we need to be. In the meantime we are becoming closer than we have ever been. While this was a huge hurt to me, with all the feelings that go with that, it has also been a real eye opener, for BOTH of us. We are getting there, because BOTH of us want it. Life throws us many curves, it is what we decide to do with them that makes, or breaks, us.....

To Teri... AKA asis_slave

2007-05-30T03:38:00.001-04:00

since this is the only way ( for now ) I am going to contact you....let me first say.. I DID read your journal, and maybe NOW you know where his TRUE loyalties are... they are certainly NOT with you.

Devastated, hurt, and oh so betrayed.....

2007-05-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

I found out that my husband has had a 1 year ( or more ) on going relationship with another woman. I don't know when it turned sexual, but it did. He confessed everything ( or as much as he is willing to ) to me this morning.

How do I move past this ? Do I stay and fight ? Or do I give up and let go ? I want to stay and fight, I love him. But, do I have it in me to do that ?
How do I erase the images in my mind ? The graphic details of their sexual encounters ? She has a blog on livejournal .... she thought she had deleted everything, but she was wrong. I can find just about anything I set my mind to.
I called her today... my husband gave me her name willingly. We had a interesting chat. And we will have more to be sure.

She reads my blog, and has for quite some time. I didn't know it was her until the truth came out, and then it all clicked.

I am grieving the man that I thought I knew, the marriage that I thought I had, and the pain I am feeling is unbearable. At certain points throughout the day I have wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. And then I get angry... and I want him to hurt... I want him to know what this pain feels like... to understand what he has done, and the devastation it has caused.

Right now, I am numb. Maybe that is easier.

I am going through so many different thoughts and emotions right now, part of me wants to fuck him so hard and so long that all thoughts of anyone else are erased from his mind, and a part of me doesn't want to touch him.

I hurt... I am hurting.... and I don't know what to do about it.

So to Teri ( yes that is her name ), you have succeeded in creating a huge gaping hole in my heart and soul ... and although you are not the only one who is guilty here... you played a huge part in it. I hope you can sleep at night knowing what you have done. And just remember... what goes around comes around.... and it will all bite you in the ass one day.

ADD/ADHD... and our son

2007-03-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

We have been having issues with our son for the past few years. his second grade teacher recommened we have him tested for ADHD... for a while we fought it, but they were so persistant that we decided to have it done, just to shut them up. And, just as we thought, they could find nothing wrong. However......
since then our son has been having a difficult time in school, we get constant emails telling us he can not stay on task, appears to tune out of difficult subjects and has a hard time organizing his day. His grades have fallen to below grade level on some subjects.. the main one being math. We have to constantly remind him at home 3, 4, or more times to get something done... it has gotten to a point where we felt all we were doing was yelling at him.... ok.. time to have him RE-tested... but NOT at school.
So, we took him to a pediatrician who sais he specialized in ADHD. We filled out a CHECKLIST ( that was ALL ) , this Dr read it and said, ok.. he has ADHD and we want to put him on medication ( Ritalin LA ) , but first he needs to have some labwork done. Well.. he has to do that on a empty stomach so we didn't do it on Tuesday. And since then both my husband and I have been doing heavy research on ADHD and the medications to improve it.
I must say I am more confused than ever. On one hand we read that the drugs are awful and addicting , can lead to death and DO NOT USE THEM ON YOUR CHILD !!!!!! And then we read that they are safe and effective and by all means go ahead....
WHAT DO WE DO ? My gut is telling me that I HATE the idea of these drugs and do NOT want to subject my son to something that may do more harm than good.. on the other hand, he is struggling so bad and is only getting worse.. his self esteem has fallen and he ends up crying over homework more often than not. He is beginning to hate school.
I am hoping that SOMEONE out there can help me with this gut wrenching dilemma... I am losing sleep over it, and I am constantly thinking about it.. do we, or don't we ? And if we DON'T, then what happens to our son ? And if we DO. then what happens if they cause him more harm than good ?
Someone, please help !!!!
We love our son and only want what is best for him, but how does one make a INFORMED decision with such conflicting information out there ???????

Valentines Day

2007-02-15T09:11:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful Valentimes Day with my husband. Because of our snowstorm, he got to spend the day at home, although, so did our son.
But we took our son to my Mom's house and went out to dinner. We had awesome conversation about some very personal subjects. I enjoy conversations with my husband, they are always intelligent, humorous, and fun. Well, MOST of them are..... LOL. We had a great dinner, and after went tp pick up the kid, put him in bed EARLY, and we had some alone time. It has been a very long time for that... and I have missed it so much.
My husband and I work well together... we " click" in so many ways. Sometimes I feel that we were destined to be together. Of course, when things turn sour, they get downright nasty... we have THAT ability too. I guess both of us are passionate people, with strong wills and hard heads. We used to clash all the time, but as the years have gone by we seem to have settled into each other, and now only have a few minor flare ups.
I really can not imagine a life without him in it. He is a good man... and a great father. Most of all I think we have a frienship that our marriage is founded on.
I hope we celebrate many more Valentines Days to come.......

And I want to live in Michigan...... WHY ?

2007-02-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

As I sit here, freezing INSIDE , with windchills 15 to 20 below zero, and watching the snow fly, sometimes with zero visibility... I wonder what it was that made me want to move back to my home state so badly. I LOVE Michigan springs and summers, the thunderstorms, and the warm, even muggy, nights... but the winters ? Um... NO. NOT EVEN A LITTLE !!! Don't get me wrong. I used to live for winter, when I could ski, and go sledding, and all the other outdoor sports... but I don't ski anymore ( bad knees ) , and its been years since I have gone sledding, the last time I went ice skating my feet hurt for days... lol. So why do we stay ? I guess it's because it is home. It is because this is where family is, it is the place my son knows , the place we all feel grounded, and despite the winters with the frigid temps and the snow, those things make it worth staying. Maybe some day, when we are too old to endure the harshness of a Michigan winter we will head south to deal with the hurricanes and floods... but for now, I will sit inside and watch the blizzard-like conditions we are experiencing today.....and be thankful for home.....

Happy Anniversary.....

2007-02-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

February 2, 1996. The day my new life began. The day I married the man I love, the man who is my best friend, my soulmate, the father of my son. The man I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and beyond. Our life together hasn't always been easy, we haven't always loved each other equally, in fact, we came close to divorce . I thank God every day for giving us a second chance. Most people would have folded and given up with some of the things we have gone through, but here we are.... 11 years later, and still together. And even though I don't tell my husband on a daily basis what is in my heart... it is always there. I love him... more each day. It is as simple as that. He is a good man, he works hard, he loves us, he takes care of us, and he is always here...always. We have a good marriage now. But it has taken us a long time to get here. It has been a rocky road, but I do not think I would change one day of it. If I changed even one second we would not be the people we are right now, together, or apart.
I love you honey, thank you, for giving me the best part of you. For giving me the last 11 1/2 years... for the memories.. good AND bad.... and for the memories I look forward to in the future.
I love you with all my heart and soul.

Why we should never talk religion OR politics....

2007-01-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

Seems my husband and his sister are now in a major argument over who is right in their desired "religion". And just this morning, for whatever reason.. I got dragged into the middle of their disagreement by his sister. I think she may be hoping I would take sides. I DID, but not the side she was hoping for I am sure.. LOL.
You see... my husband is studying the jewish faith. It is one he feels most comfortable with, and agrees with most. And that is fine with me. I support him 100% in his desire to find his " niche ". I was raised Lutheran, and will remain Lutheran. We celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas in our home to expose our son to other religions and his religious background ( my husbands mother was jewish ).
The problem lies with his sister, who has NEVER claimed her jewish heritage as SHE has embraced the MORMON religion. And now my husband seems to have become the devil reincarnated... LOL. She also claims their mother was NEVER jewish and NO ONE in their family tree was jewish either. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.. denial is such a wonderful tool.
I jumped into this family disagreement with both feet and told her point blank that she has no right to tell him he is wrong for following his heart. And if the jewish faith is what he feels is best for him.. then what is wrong with that ? WHO is he hurting ? And WHY does it matter to her ? What SHOULD matter more than anything is that HE is her BROTHER and FAMILY is more important than what path , religous, or otherwise, you take in life... isn't THAT what unconditional LOVE is all about ????????
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..... makes me wonder....
stay tuned......

I love to draw almost as much as writing, I hope I do better at drawing !!!!!

2007-01-06T01:05:00.000-05:00

I did this drawing for my son.. it took me about 10 minutes total. He was like.. " MOM.... how did you DO that ? " I have always had a love of drawing, and painting... and once upon a time I was pretty good.. but like anything that doesn't get used often... it gets " rusty ". I think maybe drawing or painting or something would be good for me right now... I need some sort of creative outlet I think...

No photos

2007-01-04T09:59:00.000-05:00

My husband suggested that I do not put any photos of the kids on here because of all the nut cases accessing the internet, and I guess he is right. So.... I have deleted them.. well most of them anyway. It is a shame that we have to be so careful. I am just very proud of my family, and wanted to share. I guess that was not such a good idea... and it won't happen again. So from now on you will just have to deal with my boring posts.....sorry.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

2006-12-23T15:57:00.000-05:00

May you be blessed with peace, love, and happiness this year, and always.....

Tis the Season...

2006-12-17T23:22:00.000-05:00

I am hacking and sneezing, and generally feeling quite miserable... yes, I have a cold. I got it from my son, who probably brought it home from school... Oh joy.

On Saturday I spent TWELVE ... yes, count them.. TWELVE .. hours baking Christmas cookies...and I have to bake more. You see, MY idea was to give the neighbors we have become friends with, a nice plate of cookies with a Christmas card... well.... we did that. And then my husband decided we should take it one step further... we should take plates of cookies to all the neighbors who came to our progressive dinner party we had a few weeks ago, uh huh... riiiiiiiiiight. And of course if we do THAT.. then we should also take a plate of cookies to our sons friends parents, and on and on it went... and now ? WE HAVE NO COOKIES FOR OURSELVES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GEE... IMAGINE THAT... LOL.. like baking over 300 cookies to begin with wasn't enough !!!!
SO now... I get to bake... you guessed it.. MORE COOKIES !!! We did try baking more sugar cookies tonight, but my husband decided to try using splenda this time what with my being diabetic and all. Nope.. don't try it folks... it DID NOT work, all you had to do was look at a damn cookie and it crumbled into a million pieces. So... two batches of dough useless, and went into the garbage. Now I get to start all over again, with SUGAR this time.

My shopping is all done, which is a damn good thing because we are broke until Friday.. and I dont mean we are 200.00 til payday broke, oh no.. I mean we are overdrawn in our bank account broke... guess we got a little carried away .. OOPS. Damned mastercard cash card anyway... we tried keeping track of what we were doing but when you are in the middle of a spending frenzy you tend to forget... and we did... boy, did we ever ( SIGH ).

My brother will be here on the 26th of December, I haven't seen him since last Christmas. He lives in Florida. We will be having a party for him... nothing like a good excuse for a party huh ? LOL.

And I can not wait for the Holidays to be over.... its stressful, we spend more money than we should and then obsess over how we are going to get back on track. We always do but it takes us a month or two. We never use credit for Christmas, which I guess is a good thing. In fact, things have been so stressful that my husband started smoking again.. which, caused me to start back at it again this week too.. I fought it for 3 weeks... but failed last week. And I am feeling the effects of it. I do not know why I did this.. and my husband sounds horrible. I am very worried about his health. He has been non stop coughing for the past 2 days.. and he started off smoking cigars but 2 days ago, you guessed it, went to cigarettes, and thats when he started coughing. Thank God he has a DR appt Wednesday.

Nothing much else to bitch about.. LOL. And now, I should get to bed , because I have to start on the cookies first thing in the morning....

I am going to have nightmares about little sugar cookie monsters chasing me in my sleep... Pleasant dreams !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Proud Grandma

2006-11-30T18:58:00.000-05:00

I am a proud Grandma of two very special, beautiful grandchildren. They are the light of my life. My daughters are wonderful mothers and I am very proud of them.

Time Flies....

2006-11-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

well.... it has been a while, again.
Seems I have been having SO much fun lately that the time has just flown by. Yeah riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. LOL
Things have been hectic. The Holidays are upon us now. And things in our house won't settle down until the new year. My brother will be here again for Christmas from Florida. That will be nice. And the way it should be. It's a time for family. Now that Mom is close he will stay with her this time which takes some of the burden off of me, and this year thats a good thing. I am now dealing with a NEW doctor... imagine that.. LOL. I am now seeing a cardiologist that specializes in hypertension. After all the testing hes done... he seems to think I have some off the wall " disease" that keeps my blood pressure from being controlled. I go back Dec 13th.. we will see.
My husbands health worries me.... I am not sure what is up with him, but I dont think he is all that well. He goes in to see our doctor in December, and I will go with him, he has a tendency to not tell her everything that is going on... I think that is a guy thing.
Anyway.. I really don't have much to say... all the meds I am on ( I take 8 different meds every day, 18 pills a day ) really screw with my system.. I am tired and in a fog most of the time ... so I will end this post for now.
No one reads my ramblings anyway.... I sometimes wonder why I even bother except that it has been good therapy for me and much cheaper than a shrink.. LOL

My life has been changed....

2006-09-17T01:01:00.000-04:00

I have diabetes.....

Yes, that's what I have. I ask myself over and over, why me ?
Well.... I will tell you why me..... when I was pregnant with my son at the age of almost 41, I developed gestational diabetes. I took great care of myself and did everything the doctor and dietician asked of me. My doctor also told me then, that my chances of diabetes returning later in my life was very high, and even more so if I didn't lose some weight. I heard her... but I never really LISTENED. I was fairly healthy, I felt good, I was happy... I wasn't going to get diabetes.. nope, not me..... never.

Never came on Monday September 11, 2006.

I am in denial, I am in shock ( although why I don't know.. my doctor DID warn me ), I am scared, and angry( my choices have been taken away )and I am so unsure of the future.

My doctor put me on a medication that is making me feel like shit. My stomach is upset, and on Monday I start taking a double dose of this med.. that worries me.. will I feel even worse than I do now ?

The one bright spot inall of this has been my husband. He has been wonderful. Tuesday he spent some time on the internet researching diabetes, and what I can and can not eat. When he came home from work, he had all these goodies for me that I am allowed to eat. He told me that we are in this together, and that we can all benefit from the diest and lifestyle changes that will occur. I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT !!!!!! I needed to know that the support was there, that the love was there and that he understood.. he does.

I love my husband, and I am lucky that he loves me.

I will be okay, once it all sinks in, once I have time to process all of this information, and once I understand what I need to do to change my life....

"Happiness comes through doors you don't even know you left open.... "

The Miracle of life....

2006-08-17T14:05:00.000-04:00

Chelsey Leona( the middle name is after my Grandmother) Born on August 16,2006 at 6:15 AM she weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long. Mom ( my daughter ) did a GREAT job, and both Mom and Baby are healthy, happy, and incredibley beautiful ! She will be one spoiled rotten little girl !! LOL !!!

MY TATTOO !!! Woo Hoo it worked...

2006-07-27T15:12:00.000-04:00

Another year older....

2006-07-27T00:17:00.000-04:00

WOW... what can I say.. I turned 50.. yes.. FIVE-OH... on Monday. NOT a good day for me. The good thing is that I did get over it, and I am ALMOST back to my old self ( no pun intended there...lol )
I DID, however, go and do something last Friday.. I got myself a tattoo... yep.. I did.. and I gotta say... IT HURT LIKE A BITCH !!!!!!!!!! I am not sure I will go and do THAT ever again, but who knows. My arms hurt like crazy the next day from gripping the chair arms so damned hard. So.. you want to see ????????? ok.....DAMNIT..... it won't post !!!
Guess I will have to try later.
To be continued........

Time flies when you're having... what AM I having ?

2006-07-13T21:38:00.000-04:00

WOW.... its been a while and so much has happened ! We found a new place to live. MUCH better than what we had. We are on a 1 year lease/option ( something about the homeowner owing the house for a year , and taxes ). We have already found out that we qualify for a mortgage for the asking price. The house is BRAND NEW !!! Its PERFECT for us really. And I LOVE the new kitchen !! We also have a community swimming pool which we have been putting to good use. My son adjusted very well.. I was so worried about that. I asked him one day if he missed the old house, he said.... " not really".. I then asked him if he missed his old friends.. his reply ? " Um.... not really. Well, MAYBE just Alex". WHEW... big relief for me and my husband. He has made so many new friends in the month we have been here I still do't know all of them or where they live. The newest " friend" is a very cute little 7 year old named Stephanie who lives just 3 doors from us on the culdesac. I think she has a " crush" on my son !!!

My Mom sold her condo up north, and bought one about a mile from our new house. Actually its the same builder, just a condo community.She should be moving here by the middle of August. And my youngest daughter is about to become a Mom herself. She is due in just a few weeks...I gave her a baby shower the end of June.. in the middle of moving and everything. DAMN.. I'm GOOD .. LOL !!

And me ? Well.... I am turning 50 in a little over a week and a half .. its VERY hard for me for some reason. I am not ready to be that old. I don't FEEL that old.. I don't think like I am... I don't even LOOK that old.. so why do I have to BE that old ?Maybe its the reality that my life is more than half over.

And what about my husband and my marriage.. well.. it seems good. We are getting along so much better. But intimacy ? Nope... communication ? Rarely....about things that mean anything anyway... and all that other stuff like kissing and toughing and hugs ? Nada... or very little. I'm sure you are confused.. I am sure you are thinking.. " but she just said things were much better ".. and they ARE !!! I guess I am as confused as you are. Its been exactly 13 months since we have had any type of sex. That is over ONE YEAR folks !!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure how much more of that I can take. I am a sexual person... I love intimacy of all kinds, and I feel like I am starving. I love my husband, and I KNOW he loves me ( no.. he is NOT having a affair... that I know of ).. so what is the problem ? Is the problem me ? Is it him ? Is he not attracted to me? Is he bored with me ? With himself ? We don't talk about it either. He always says he will write me a email( I never recieve one ) or he tells me that now is not a good time but we will talk tomorrow ( tomorrow never happens either ). I love him with everything I am.. but I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage !!! I was in one of those before and got out of it. That time it was ME though. I guess thats why I am wondering if it really IS me hes not attracted to anymore.....BUT...I won't give up on my marriage ( for better or worse ). Maybe things will turn around... I can always hope. And honey, if you are reading this... what is going on ????? Can we talk ??????????

Thats it for my life. Exciting, isn't it ?

Its a downpour....

2006-06-02T00:59:00.000-04:00

Wow.... it hasn't just poured, it's been a monsoon. Just when you think life is finally going to treat you well, things are looking up, and everything is coming up roses ( GAG ), life throws you a curve... a REALLY large curve.
The hosue that we have lived in for 3 years and love ( we love the house, even though its small, our son has many friends here and so do we.. we were actually HAPPY here )we have to move out of. We were doing a lease/option with the homeowners. They wants US to have THEIR house, they knew how much we love it here. And, on May 18th, we get a call from the husband telling us that not only are they NOT renewing our lease, OR selling us the house.. BUT.. we have to move IN LESS THAN 30 DAYS !!!!!!!! Yep.. all the time and effort we have put into maintaining this home... the repairs we have done so they wouldnt have huge bills... the improvements we have made.. all of it.. gone.. poof... like it never happened. And the THANKS we get is " GEE... SORRY, BUT WE WANT YOU OUT ". Seems they are moving back to Michigan from Florida, and want their house back. Now, I know that TECHNICALLY its their house and they can take it back.. and I guess I am okay with that. What I am NOT okay with is the way we have been treated. The less than 30 days ( legally they have to give us a 30 day written notice which they have not done ) REALLY pisses me off. The way this whole deal was handled pisses me off... our son has been upset, hes cried on several occasions about having to leave his neighborhood and his friends ( he just turned 9 ). We have been stressed to the max worrying about where we are going to live and how we are going to pay for a move we were not planning on, if we could keep our son in the same school and would we have to get rid of the dog that he loves....
We found another house, not int he same neighborhood, but a brand new home on a lease/option. Well.. seems we are being screwed AGAIN.. the realtor KNOWS our situation ( maybe that was a mistake telling them ) and has dragged his sorry ass about getting the paperwork done.. hes upped the amount we need to move in from 2,250 to 4,250... which has strapped us.. we can't go out looking for another place since we only have AT THE MOST about 10 days left to vacate( I KNOW.. we could stay and fight it , but who wants that stress and hassle ? I sure don't , and we can't afford to have a court judgement on our credit )So.. here we sit.. STILL not knowing if we have a place to live or not... I'm packing like we do... but where do we go if this house falls through ?
Life has always done this to us.. Oh no.. I don't mean a once in a while thing.. I mean its a YEARLY occurance or better. My husband lands a dream job, and this house thing happens... its ALWAYS like that !! I know I should count my blessings, and there are many.. but DAMNIT.. I hate the stress in our lives !!! Just a couple months ago my husband was laid off...so we went through hell with that, now this. I know I am whining.. and I really don't care... this is MY blog and I can whine if I want to...LOL.
Anyway... life has a way of kicking us in the ass.. I keep wondering what we are being punished for.. and isn't nearly 11 years of this shit enough ???????

When it rains , it pours !!!

2006-04-18T11:40:00.000-04:00

Well, well... seems my son is trying to play " catch up " with injuries....He has been injury free for nearly 9 years, until the past few months. Now, I'm talking the hospital type injuries... he's had plenty of regular old scrapes and bruises.

Yesterday, he was playing on his friends trampoline ( now THIS is the reason I refuse to have one !! ), and fell and busted his chin wide open. Did he run to his friends Mom ? NO !!! He got on his pocket rocket and came screaming for home. WHy , you ask ? Because he didn't want to cry in front of his friends. He sure made up for THAT once he got home !! I got him calmed down a bit, and then asked him to sit on the couch( he had a towel on his chin by then.. no blood on MY carpets...lol ), so I could get a better look. The minute I saw it, I knew he would need the dreaded stitches. My husband got home about that time, looked at it, and replied.. OH HELL.. HE DOESN'T NEED STITCHES !!!! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So now I'M the bad guy !!!LOL !!!

After much debate back and forth, and a kid who, every time the word " stitches " is mentioned, goes into hysterics.. we , well I, make the call to take him in. Husband all the while telling the kid, " Oh, they will probably just put a band aid on it ".. WRONG !!!!

After sitting in the waiting room ( after all.. a cold is so much worse than a kid who is bleeding all over their nicely polished wood floor ) for almost a hour, we get to go in. Nurse comes in and immediately my son starts crying like his life is about to end. We manage to convince him that all the nurse is doing is giving him some numbing medicine on a cotton ball. We wait about 10 minutes for the meds to work, and then we are moved into the "SURURE ROOM".. the torture chamber to beat all...LOL !! ANOTHER fresh round of hysterics. Nurse practitioner was going to try and glue it back together... but the gap was too wide to do that. The decision was made... and Oh boy.. did the kid go into a fit !!! They had to put his arms into a pillowcase that he laid down on ( a REAL good idea actually... I have to remember that one..lol ) because they were afraid he was going to fight this all the way. They put a sterile drape over his chin that covered his face... and she got to work. Of course my son can't see.. so he is asking his Dad if she had started yet. My husbands reply was always.. nope.. they are just looking. After she was done giving him the novocaine shot... we told him that the shot part was done. " IT IS ????????" he asked ? "WOW.. I didn't feel a thing !!!! " Well.. DUH.. that's what we tried to TELL you kid !!! After that he was calm and collected .. AND cracking jokes... All that hell we went through for him to FINALLY figure out that maybe mom and dad DID know what they were talking about !!!!

He thinks he looks like a " dork" and isn't happy .. he says it looks like he has hair growing out of his chin, and, after all, he is ONLY almost 9 and too YOUNG to have hair growing out of his chin... LOL. But.. he seems to have survived, because as of right now.. hes outside playing... LOL.

This kid is going to be the death of me if he doesnt stop with the injuries that requier ER visits...LOL He JUST got his cast off his arm a couple weeks ago !!!

OKay... time to pretend I have a life beyond my house...have a great day !!!!

It doesn't get any better than this....

2006-04-17T01:10:00.000-04:00

The boys had a ball on Easter looking for Easter eggs outside... I loved watching them !!!!

The saga of the pink shirt....

2006-04-05T09:35:00.000-04:00

ok.. if that kid can find a way to screw himself.. he will... GEEZUS !!!! He did SO great today.. even reminding ME that he was grounded from the TV...
AND THEN.....
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE......

HE BLOWS IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

I went upstairs for something, and noticed his pink shirt was not on the floor like it had been earlier.. he had also asked earlier if he could wear it ( AGAIN ) and I said ( AGAIN) NO.. not until later this week ...
SO I asked him.. Aaron where is your pink shirt ? He said.. Oh.. I put it in the washer so you could wash it, so I can wear it tomorrow... well ok.. I could buy that.....
UNTIL.....
I went into the laundry room to get my purse so we could leave for school....
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
everything was EXACTLY as I had left it on top of the washer....
AARON......
where EXACTLY did you say your pink shirtt was ?
UM......
Right away, being the MOM, I KNEW where that pink shirt was....
AARON.. TAKE THAT PINK SHIRT OFF .. NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So... moral of this story ? Dont lie about the pink shirt IF you ever want to wear it AGAIN !!!!!

The shirt has been confiscated until further notice....

THE END.....

Whew...

2006-03-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well... so much has happened lately. In late February, my husband was laid off from his job of 2 years. Threw us into a tailspin that's for sure. Luckily, he had a phone call about a week before his layoff about another position. His interview was 6 days after the layoff, and he was hired about a week later. He started the new job a week ago. So, I thank God every day that this layoff wasn't financially devestating like the last one was for us. The new job pays 14,000 more a year, plus all the OT he wants to work. Eventually, in a few weeks , he will also have a company vehicle and a gas card. We have struggled for so long, and things have been so hard for us. We managed, but I am not sure how ! It did take a toll on our marriage... but things are starting to recover. My husbands self esteem suffered.. that's what he told me yesterday.

I am glad things are getting back on track. I love my husband and it hurt to know he was suffering and there was nothing I could do about it.

Our son broke his thumb 5 weeks ago, he just got the cast off. Apparently he broke it above and below the growth plate, so there is a possibility his thumb may not grow normally, and may end up being slightly shorter than his left one. Doctor said its nothing they do surgery on but it will be a conversation piece when he's older.

I have not been feeling well lately. So its off to the doctor for me. I am not sure what's going on. But... I have alot of chest pain when I exert myself, and I have a hip that's so bad I can barely walk. I am gaining weight for no apparent reason, in fact, I cut way back on consumption of calories and I am STILL gaining. I am not even 50 yet.. and I feel like I am 80.It's affecting every aspect of my life. I worry about something happening to me and not being here for my son, who is not even 9 yet. He depends on his Dad and I... it scares the hell out of me thinking that we might not be here to take care of him until he's grown. So... we have both decided that it is time to quit smoking , eat better, and get more exercise. We owe our son that much at the very least.Our lack of a healthy lifestyle isn't doing much for our sex life either, that's for sure !

I miss being intimate with my husband... it's the one area we have always been constant on. When everything else in our life was falling apart... I could always count on that . And now.. welll... even that has been affected.

My Mom has found a condo near us, so she will be moving closer to us by late summer. She is driving me batty though, I swear, the woman will find thing to worry about. She is going to worry herself right into a early grave !! It will be nice for her to be close again, now that my Dad is gone, she needs to be near family in case, God forbid, anything should happen to her.I love her new condo...its the model so its been decorated really nice.

All in all.. life is settling back into a somewhat " normal" routine. Our son is healthy and happy, my daughters are doing okay.. speaking of which.. my youngest daughter just got married Saturday. They had a small wedding with just witnesses, no family. The big wedding will happen next year. She found out she was pregnant and postponed the already planned wedding until next year, but they wanted to be married when the baby arrived. She is due in August with our second grandchild. The ultrasound tech said she was 90% sure its a girl... I love little girl babies.. they are so fun to dress up ! So I will have a grandson and now a granddaughter.. wow. I really don't feel old enough ( in my mind ) to be a Grandmother !!!!

Anyway... life is now good... and I pray it stays that way !!!!

Love, and thanks.....

2006-02-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

Today is Valentines Day.. the day of love... so, I wanted to tell my husband how much I love him. I want to tell him how lucky I feel to have him, and our son, in my life. He is a wonderful father and a loving husband. He works hard to take care of us... and he always has our best interest at heart.Hes compassionate, and kind, he would do anything for anyone. He is also strong, and stubborn, and opinionated... and he loves to be right, and " win".... but.. I love everything about him, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes honey, I said ugly :) In sometimes sit and wonder what my life would be like without him in it, and I can't. We are so meshed together that one without the other is unimaginable to me. We have had a very difficult first ten years, and despite it all... we are still together, and still in love. I know for a fact that not many couples would have survived what we have.My love for my husband is deep, and as real as it gets. I love him to my very soul. So honey, when YOU read THIS... know that you ARE my beshert... now, forever, and always. I love you. You are my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, you are the man I love, the man I married. There is no one else that could even come close to you. I LOVE YOU !!!! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY !!!!!!!

The Menopause monster.....

2006-02-10T00:44:00.000-05:00

you wake up in wet sheets, drenched in sweat, with the sheets sticking to every inch of your body. Your'e naked and have the window open in 10 degree weather.. yet you STILL sweat !!!!! You suddenly get so hot that you feel like your insides are a blast furnace and your face turns that lovely tomato shade of red as you... once again... SWEAT !!!!!!!!!!

I have to say.... enough already.... I GIVE !!!! I am waving the white flag !!!!! I surrender !!!!!!!!!!! Just let me have ONE peaceful, sweat-free night of sleep !!!! If there is a menopause God... I will sacrafice ANYTHING to appease HIM.. because it sure as hell was no WOMAN that thought this shit up... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. I have a sleeping, sweat-free husband that I could offer up... LOL...

The truth is.....

2006-01-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. No if's and's or but's about it. Next to him, are my children. All three of them are wonderful, caring individuals. I have truly been blessed !

We are going to be grandparents again. My youngest daughter is pregnant. I don't feel old enough to be a grandma, nor do I LOOK old enough..LOL !!!! Truth of the matter is... I am thrilled... my grandson is a joy, and this new baby will be also.

I have to say... when things are good between my husband and I... they are incredible. I only wish it would last forever... but I know that we will eventually get into a fight and things will turn sour for a while. So.. while its good I am going to enjoy the hell out of it, and pray that MAYBE.. just maybe.... things will stay this way for a very long time. I hate fighting with him, I hate being distant... so I will do whatever I can to prevent that from happening. But.. it takes both of us !!!

My husband went for his radio interview today.. he said he was horrible, he was nervous and very out of practice ( its been 20 years since hes been on the radio ). The news director saw his potential though, and told him to read and practice the copy he sent home with him, and come back in a week. He is thrilled. And I am thrilled for him... I think God really does hear our prayers !!!!

More to follow later... I am tired, and want to go cuddle with my husband and watch some TV. I love quality time with him :)

!!!!!!!Later

The Holidays are over......

2006-01-05T16:44:00.000-05:00

I was more than ready for the Christmas season to end. This year was really nice because I got to spend it with my Mom and my brother. It's been ten years since that has happened !

We had a great time being all together... but at the same time it was a very hard Christmas. The first one without my Dad. I tried to make this year special and comforting for my Mom, I know she had a hard time... I think it helped her being with all of us this year. My Dad was not one for family events, and they never came south for Christmas. If we wanted to see them we had to go there. So... we only spent one Christmas out of the last six with them. My brother lives in FLorida, and can't make it here because of finances. But... I have seen him more in the past six months than I have in the past ten years !! This was the third time since August. I miss my brother and I am glad to see he is finally getting his life together . He has a great girlfriend, and a job he loves. It hasn't always been that way though, his ex wife has kept his three children from him for the past eight years. We aren't " allowed " to see them either. I have two neices and one nephew I haven't seen in ten years. His ex wife is a bitch.. plain and simple. She used to beg him to come see the kids just to set him up.. and when he would get there she would provoke a fight then call the police. She even broke into my parents house ( my brother was living in the attached apartment at the time ). I don't understand why the police weren't called... I can't figure out my parents sometimes. Anyway.... his life is now on track and I don't mind spending time with him. He got his Captains license so he stopped doing drugs... and thats a great thing !!

My husband and I had a very nice Christmas... as did our son. I think it was one of the best Christmas's we have spent together. It was very tiring for me, playing host, but well worth the effort !

I think our marriage is also back on track... at least I hope so. I am doing everything I can to ease my husbands load at home since he is working this second job. We are paying off the bills slowly, so I hope he doesnt have to do this much longer. We miss him terribly at home. He just applied to the local radio station ... a job he used to have and loved... he didn't think they would call him back after recieving his resume... but they did !! I pray that something comes out of it and he can quit the gas station job for a job he loves in addition to his engineering job during the day. He misses being on the radio more then he says... but I know.. just by the way he talks about it and the tone of his voice. He has a great voice for radio... actually.. the first time I talked to him on the phone , I was instantly attracted to his voice ! It is soooooooooooo sexy !!!!! He has a wonderful personality... full of life and humor. If they will just give him the chance to get back into radio I KNOW he will do well !! It's just getting in the door that is so hard.
Everything happens for a reason,... so maybe this is his chance. I will continue to pray for that....

Okay... it's time for me to move beds arouns upstairs and do the MOM thing.... I will keep everyone ( LOL>.. like anyone reads this blog ) updated....

Love and life... suck

2005-11-02T22:37:00.000-05:00

Things dont seem to be going very well in my life. My relationship with my husband, that seemed to be heading in the right direction is now wandering down the wrong road.... my husband is angry.. and I am sure he has it all figured out in his mind that its all my fault... again. It is always my fault... doesnt matter what it is.I knew this was coming.. I saw it months ago.. I kept asking to talk.. we never did. When I did manage to directly confront him.. he would always say.. I am fine, everything is fine. Well... its isnt, and it hasnt been.. FINE, for a long time... months. All I wanted to do was talk and avoid the path that we always find ourselves headed down. I see the signs.. why cant he ?
My Dad passed away on the 6th of October... I wasnt allowed to grieve the way I needed to because it wasnt the " right" way. I was told I needed to basically get over it and move on... after about a week. I was hurt, boy was I hurt.So... I hid my grief, bottled it up inside, and pretended that everything was "fine"... but sooner or later it has to come out... and I think that is what has been happening the past few weeks.
I love my husband.. with all that I am, all that I will be.. always. My love has never wavered... but no matter what I try to do... its never good enough.
I klnow hes mad because he thinks I wont go out and find a job part time. He told me in front of our son one day, that I never do anything to help. What he doesnt know is that I HAVE been looking.. in fact, I have even put in several applications. But I havent told him. Why , you ask ? Well... several reasons actually... the most important one was .. I was hoping to find a job and surprise him... I so wanted to make him happy with me. I didnt want to tell him I was looking because then he would always ask if anyone had called yet... no one has. It hasnt done much for my self esteem either. Which is precarious at best. Its bad enough that I have such a low opinion of myself... not being able to find a stupid part time job that ANY idiot could do, has only made it worse. I felt useless before...and if he knew I was looking and not finding anything he would think I wasnt looking hard enough or in the right places.. something !!
I guess he will know now... eventually, since he reads this blog. Maybe this is my way if indirectly trying to tell him that.. YES... I have been looking ( not lately with everything that has been going on )... NO.. I havent been sucessful ( as usual ). And that I am a GOOD person, with a lot to give.. if he could only see it.
Not only am I failing at my marriage and relationship with my husband it seems.. but I cant even find a damned job...
Things HAVE to get better because they sure cant get much worse !!!!!!

How do you say Goodbye......

2005-09-17T21:16:00.000-04:00

He is my father. He gave me life, shelter, food. I know he loved me, and still does, although he has never said the words. No, not once in my entire 49 years has my father ever said ... " I LOVE YOU ", but, I know he does.

My father is dying.....

How do you say goodbye ? How do I tell him, that what has kept me so angry at him for 35 years no longer matters ?How do I tell him I forgive him ? How does he forgive himself ? Or, does he even know what he has done ?

I spent most of my life seeking my fathers approval. I never got it. Not once. No matter how hard I tried... it was never good enough, or right enough, always, always there was criticism. My dad would spend time with my brother.. teaching him sports, or how to fish, or just throwing a ball back and forth. I got nothing in the way of time spent. What I got was.. STUFF. "You need jeans ? Here is 20 bucks, go shopping."Whatever I wanted, I got. As far as STUFF went. But what I needed was my FATHER...... that is the one thing I never got.

And now my father is dying, and I am 49 years old. There won't be any more chances. No time to spend with him, no dreams realized. All hopes of hearing him say those 3 little words, dashed. How do I say goodbye ?

And I am angry at him .. for a different reason . For being a selfish man, for knowing there was a problem, and not doing a damn thing about it !!!!

My father has cancer. Not just a singular type of cancer... no.. it could never be that simple, nor could it be treatable. For my father let things go... now it is too late. My mother tried to get him to see a doctor... " what for" he would ask.... maybe for the blood in your urine ? THAT started 2 1/2 years ago. And now it is too late.

Last week on Thursday September 8th, he fell in his bathroom. He had been having symptoms of detioration for months.My mother swore it was alzheimers. Finally, my mother was able to get him into the hospital... but it is too late. They found a golf ball sized tumor in the left frontal lobe of his brain. He refused the surgery, and on Friday the 9th,after a CAT scan, they found more cancer.... in his bladder, his liver, and his lungs. The surgery is insignificant now.

The family all went up to see him , my brother flew in from Florida. And I went to see this man who is my father, the one who gave me life. His life is now fading... like his mind. He has trouble remembering. But I know he remembers what kind of a father he was, or wasn't, to his children. He cried.. yes.. he showed emotion. His eyes filled with tears, if I had not been there to witness it, I am sure I would have called anyone who said my father cried, a liar. My father has never cried. Not even when he lost his own parents. Now, he cries. I keep wondering what he cries for. Is it for a life he could have lived differently ? Is it for his children he never showed affection or love to ? His owm mortality ? Or is it for past mistakes he wishes he could change ? I will never know, because my father will never tell us. I told my Dad I loved him, and for the first time in my adult life, I kissed my Dad. There was skin to skin contact. It was so strange... how I longed for that contact as a child. I had day dreams about my real Dad coming to rescue me, and throwing his arms around me and saying " I LOVE YOU !!!". But it never happened.....because it was just a dream.

As a teenager, I was so angry at my father. I hated him. More than a normal teenage " I hate my parents" stage. I so wanted to please this man and never could !!! The anger and the hate went on for years. And even now... I think there is still some left over. For I have mostly forgiven this man who is my father, but feels like a stranger. Love him ? Yes, I do... how can I not ? I owe him my life. The anger I felt has now been replaced by sorrow... for a man who could have lived life instead of merely existing in it. He could have known and felt so much.... but now it is too late.... for him. But it is not too late for me. I will tell the ones closest to me that I love them, I will tell my children that I am proud of them and what they have accomplished... no matter how small. I will hug and touch the ones I love. I will FEEL life !!!! I will FEEL love !!!! I will celebrate emotions instead of fearing them. You can not be a part of life if you don't live it. And I will live mine..... in honor of my father.... who couldn't.

And I will say goodbye, and tell him that I forgive him, and love him.........this man that gave me life..... my father.

No Words.....

2005-09-06T18:15:00.000-04:00

I have no words. Nothing seems fitting to express the sadness. I have watched, along with millions of other people, the horror that has unfolded over the past week in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. I have expressed the same anger over the time it took to get aid into the stricken areas. I have cried the same tears over the heartwrenching stories. I have grieved for the victims... the injured, the sick, the dead and the dying. I have, along with those same millions, questioned the mayhem... the shootings and rapes, the UNECESSARY looting of goods not needed for survival... we have all questioned the government and why it took so long.. we may never know that answer... the blame will be flying back and forth for months to come. I have prayed... for God to give these people strength, and hope, and forgivness.. I have prayed for the children, the elderly, the pets left to fend for themselves... I have prayed for the dead and those not yet recovered. The enormity of this situation is something we, who watch from our TV's will never begin to understand. I will continue to do what I can... I am searching my old clothing to send, and shoes, and toys that my son never plays with anymore. I will send money, to help the two AND four legged victims. But, these peoples lives have been forever changed. What I will do most is pray.... that God helps them heal, and start new lives.. wherever that may be.... may God be with them, may the Angels watch over them.. always......

I really don't know what else I can say....

2005-09-06T15:38:00.000-04:00

Perfect end to a perfect vacation..... It seems trivial, in light of what has happened since our return from our wonderful vacation.. to post about what a great time we had. But, life does go on, and so, my post.....

What a great time we had! Everything was perfect... the flight on Spirit to our rental car to the hotel near Disney to our hotel in Clearwater Beach. Our son had a great time, and it was a vacation he will always remember... thanks to my husbands Mother, who passed away this past spring. She wanted our son to have one last memory of her, and she sent us to DisneyWorld. We said a silent thank you to her when we entered Disney for the first time.

I love Florida, I always have. My husband has never been there... this was his first experience, now he wants to live there ! I wouldn't mind that... the winters here are not as fun as they used to be ( the older I get ). The ONLY time I enjoy the snow is at Christmas. However, our move to Florida will be a few years down the road.

Our first day was spent at Animal Kingdom as this was the least interesting to all of us. It took us a half day to see and do what we wanted there. The rest of the say was spent at the pool soaking up some sun, and recovering from our looooooooooong day the day before. our flight left at 7AM, and we live about a hour from the airport. Add in the the fact they ask you to be there two hours early .. we left at 3:30 AM from our house. I never went to sleep. On the second full day we went to Epcot... now, that is a great place ! We all liked Epcot best. And World Showcase is awesome ! On Saturday, my brother and his new girlfried, met us at the hotel for the weekend. We went to MGM that day. Let me tell you... NEVER again will I let anyone talk me into going on a ride I KNOW will scare the shit out of me !!! YES... I went on Tower of Terror... "Oh.. its not so bad" they all said... that should have been a red flag right there.. LOL !!!! Imagine, sitting in a pitch black elevator-type car, never knowing when you are about to free-fall, over and over again. I said to my family... " it would have been easier just to drop the entire 13 stories and be done with it !!!! " But nooooooooooooooooooo...... LOL !! Sunday was our day of rest, we went back to Epcot that evening for their fireworks show... it was awesome !!! We spent the next 2 days doing things we missed and doing Magic Kingdom. Wednesday we left for Clearwater Beach for OUR part of the vacation. Rest and relaxation after our whirlwind.We stayed at a great hotel, I would highly recommend Hilton Clearwater beach. The staff was accomadating and friendly. The rooms were very nice.. and we had the most awesome view from the 9th floor.

We were in Clearwater beach when Hurricane Katrina went through South Florida. We got a few storms and bands of rain... nothing serious. In fact... my husband was taping and making jokes about the " devastation" we suffered from katrina. If we had only known then......

We didn't want to come home... ever...lol. But we did.. and now.. even after almost 2 weeks of being home.. we seriously lack motivation. Ah well... maybe it will come back.. sooner or later......

The Forgotten Victims

2005-09-06T07:23:00.000-04:00

This is Sadie...she is a member of our family. She is warm and safe and loved. Please remember the forgotten victims of Hurricane Katrina. Our beloved pets... when you make a donation to the American red Cross or whoever you decide, please make sure you donate something to The Humane Society or another organization of your choice. Most of the pets in the Gulf Coast region had to be left behind... to fend for themselves. They can't tell us how scared they are, or how lonely, or hungry and thirsty. If you can't make a donation, then think about becoming a foster parent to a lost animal until their humans can be found. You CAN make a difference !!!!!!!

As an add on....

2005-08-08T21:44:00.000-04:00

I went and re read my latest posting. Boy.. did I ever sound like I wasn't happy... I didn't mean to imply that at all ! I am VERY happy with my life as it is right now :)

The Countdown is on.....

2005-08-08T11:16:00.000-04:00

Ten days before we leave for our MUCH NEEDED vacation !!!! I can't wait.... it will be nice just to get away, with different scenery for a change... our last vacation was two years ago to Seattle. That wasn't much of a vacation for me... it was my husbands vacation.. to see his family and daughter. I got to spend time with his ex-wife... that, to me, is NOT a vacation..LOL !!!

Things continue to be good on the homefront... at least I HOPE they are ! My husband isn't one to express his true feelings.... everything is always " fine", even when it isn't. And then one day, he just blows up, and usually over something trivial. I am left standing there, wondering what the hell just happened. So, in MY mind things are good... they could be better, but considering how things usally are for us... I will take "good". I have sensed a gradual, minimal, change , and I did bring that up to him, although he says he hasn't noticed it.. I have. MAYBE it's my imagination, I'm not sure... maybe I am paranoid because of past history, I don't know. I just don't want any more repeats of the past.. I don't think I could take it. The things that have happened in the past.. both in AND out of our control, have left lasting hurts and resentments, I believe. We both say they have been forgotten... but I am not so sure that is the case. This last incident we had brought me right back to Colorado, when he left me and took our son.. I had NO idea that was about to happen, and when I came back from getting my hair and nails done ( all excited to show off the new me to him ), I found the house cleaned out, both of them gone, and a note on the kitchen counter. He and my son ( he had gotten a ex parte order for temp custody ) were gone for two months ( my son was 19 months old)... its was a traumatic experience for me. And.. to be fair.. I have done some pretty shitty things to him as well...giving him the choice between me and our son, or his daughter. They were estranged for quite a number of years... and I would like to think I had some small part in bringing them back together. The guilt over that has stayed with me, and his resentments of that are apparent when things go sour between us. He never hesitates to throw it in my face. I am thinking his resentments haven't gone away like he says they have. Can a couple with total love for each other ( I know, how can one love when one does hurtful things to the other ), get over the past, and move on ? THAT is the question of the day. I would like to think we can... but I also know it takes a lot of time and commitment and above all TRUST. Trust in each other, and in ourselves. We have to prove our trustworthiness to have it earned back. And its a SLOOOOOOOOOOOW process. For the most part I am VERY happy with my husband, and if I had things to do all over again, I would... I have no regrets.. well.. except for the bad parts and my contribution to them. Realistically speaking, every marriage has rocky spots, and arguments, and ups and downs, and I expect those... that is what I mean by " for the most part". My husband is a good man. He's a good Dad to our son, and to his daughter.. he loves my daughters like his own. He works damn hard at his job, and does his best to make sure we are taken care of. He doesn't go out drinking after work, he always comes home. He is home ( when not working ) every weekend, and spends it with his family. I have it really good , considering what I have dealt with in past relationships and marriages.

I need to go in a different direction with this blog... maybe I should start with 30 years ago... GOD... what a book THAT would be...LOL !!! No one EVER reads this thing, I feel like I talk to myself, and I guess thats ok.. I know its kind of boring, and not as witty or exciting as some blogs out there that I have read. I am not flashy or witty, or smart or talented at writing. I'm just a simple person who's main interest in life is her family, and that, to most, is unbearably boring. HELL... my husband reads this blog and never posts any comments either.. LOL !!!!And with that... I will end this boring "self absorbed"( as some bloggers would call this blog) ranting and whining.. and try to start a new direction when I post again. Til then.. Seeeeeeeeeeee ya !

Strange but true.....

2005-08-01T10:20:00.000-04:00

ok... now I ask you... coincidence ? I think not. My husband and I both have a site meter counter on our blogs... we are not linked to each other in any way nor do we give any indication in our postings to connect one to the other. BUT... someone with the same address has been viewing both our blogs within minutes of each other... SO... this is to YOU... who the hell are you ?And how did you find both blogs ???????? This person also is local in the city my husband works in... strange but true......

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE......

2005-07-24T21:50:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful birthday. It wasnt the presents or the cards ... it was the time I got to spend with my husband and my family. Last night my daughter took our son to her house, and we had the night to ourselves. We went to Tee Bonez for a nice dinner on the outdoor deck overlooking the lake. We came home and had some quality time togither. We may have had our problems in the past but NEVER in our ten years together have we ever had problems with our sex life. We are so compatible in that aspect of our relationship, and it seems to get better all the time !

Today, my daughters and my grandson came over, and we went to a lakeside tavern and sat on the upper deck they just added on. Unfortunatley the heat and humidity drove us inside after about a hour. But it was nice to celebrate with family. My parents don't live close enough, so we will be going to see them in a couple weeks.

Our Florida trip in only a few weeks away, and I get to see my brother while we are there.. and meet the new woman in his life.. I am looking forward to that ! I have not seen him in a few years now.

My day wasnt filled with expensive gifts or big parties.. and that is the way I wanted it. Its not about that anyway.. but sharing your special day with the people you love and care about... it was a perfect birthday.....

Lazy, Hazy days of summer.....

2005-07-17T16:57:00.000-04:00

Our neighbor's birthday was yesterday.... he turned 29. DAMN, I feel OLD !!! I am 20 years older almost to the day ( MY 49th birthday is next week ). I have a daughter his age... but they are GREAT people and we don't notice the age difference... UNTIL we start drinking. I remember the days when a all night binge resulted in a mimimal hangover. Now, we are lucky to get rid of them in 2 or 3 days....and they DO like to drink!! His wife is pregnant so her drinking days are on hold for now, something she isnt too happy about ( I don't think she is real happy to be pregnant.. it has cut into her social life ). Her husband started drinking at noon, and had a few friends over, including us. The party started dying down about 6 ( what did he expect anyway ), and that pissed him off. HE was ready to party.. the rest of us either burned out early ( age has a way of doing that ) or, had other things to do. Anyway... his wife got out some videos of her sons birth, and I guess that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. He went off the deep end and they had a fight.. a HUGE fight... needless to say, we left. We got home and died.. suffering from the over indulgences of alcohol. Neither one of us was in the mood for anything besides SLEEP ! I don't know how our neighbors fared after we left, I haven't talked to her today. I am SO glad my husband and I don't fight like that.. we used to though... Oh my God... did we ever fight. Now, I think we are just too old...LOL !!!!!

Today was a cleaning-type day... we even gave the dog a bath.. something she was NOT too happy about ! It feels good to get things done though. However... my main philosophy during the summer ( I am SO good at making excuses ) is that summer doesn't last that long , and I would rather spend my time enjoying it than stuck inside our house cleaning. Actually I just HATE cleaning period.. if I could afford a maid, I would hire one.. until that happens though, I am stuck doing it myself ( sigh )...

Next week is my birthday.. I didn't plan ANYTHING.. I don't feel like it should be my JOB to do that... for as long as I can remember, until last year ( my youngest daughter planned that one ) I have done it for myself. Arranged dinners out or nights in our favorite bar, etc. So I guess if nothing happens.. oh well... I am not doing it.. LOL ! After next year I am done with birthdays anyway... I think its time. Do you think if I dont have any more I won't age but stay the way I am ? For some reason turning 50 next year really bothers me. 30 didn't and neither did 40 ( I was pregnant at 40 ), but this one is getting to me. Maybe its because I know my life is more than half over... maybe its because I haven't done anything with my life except have children and get married . I have worked off and on.. mostly off... and nothing that would be considered a "career". I DID raise two wonderful daughters, they didnt get into trouble with drugs , they didnt get pregnant.. so I guess I should count my blessings. My son is 8 now, and hes a great kid. BUT... is this what God had in mind for me ? What am I missing out on ? For some reason I get the feeling there should be more in my life than there is... but WHAT ? I love my husband and my family.. more than I could ever possibly tell , or show, them. Some days I long for a CAREER though. Maybe I should just be content with what I have and how lucky I really am. I do feel blessed to have met a wonderful man, to have the children I have, and a grandson who is now healthy. All in all... I like my life, and I am happy with it... . I would never, ever change it... I have never regretted anything I have done... maybe that should be enough !!!

2005-07-12T15:42:00.000-04:00

This is me... the old lady with the reading glasses.....

What is sanity... and where did mine go...

2005-07-12T15:09:00.000-04:00

The kid returned from his vacation... and brought a nasty attitude back with him. We are thinking it has to be from spending too much time with his friend. We have been hearing "Hunterisims" coming out of our sons mouth since his return, and I don't like ANY of them ! Okay... I want my son back now.....

Things on the homefront have been incredible. The one area my husband and I have never had problem with is our sex life... when we are on the same page, it doesn't get any better... and when we aren't.. well... it doesn't get any worse... LOL ! The man is a incredible turn-on for me, and always has been. SOme time ago... I "discovered" my husband was into some alternative lifestyle situations. After the shock wore off, and we talked about it... my decision was to at least try some of it, after all... I like to keep an open mind, especially about sex. I think my husband has created a monster now....because... I LIKE IT !!!! ALOT !!!!!!!! DAMN !!!!!!!!!! How the hell can some women ( and men too ) NOT like sex ? And sometimes.. it isnt the act itself that I crave.. its the closeness one feels with their partner DURING the act that is such a turn on. I feel as if we are one body as a result of that closeness... it doesn't get much better than that !!!

The next time I get a crazy idea... like BABYSITTING to help out a friend... would someone please slap me ? I thought.. how hard could it be.. watching a ten year old ? Well... let me tell you... my son and his friend fight CONSTANTLY.. and I thought girls were bad... they don't even compare....I will NEVER do this again... not for ANY amount of money.. well.. maybe for nothing less than a million... LOL. Its too stressful trying to deal with the constant bickering and fighting back and forth... and it is about everything !!! Today, for example, they were fighting over who's dog had the worst skin condition... I kid you not... !!!!!!!!! Now, someone please tell me why that is important to a ten and eight year old ?

Okay.... its time to make sure I get some things donea round the house before my husband gets home, so tonight, we can go to bed EARLY if you get my drift....I know.. I am insatiable......

Heavenly.....

2005-07-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have really re-connected this past week while our son has been gone. We both miss him, but, this time alone has been good for us ! We have gone out to dinner, saw the movie "War of the Worlds" ( I recommend it highly! What a GREAT movie ! ) , we have gone to the lake several times, including today. And, oh yeah... we have actually had nice, long conversations... imagine that !Not to mention the freedom to be intimate ANYWHERE in the house that we want ! Don't get me wrong... we love our son dearly and would never wish we could change having him.. he is a blessing and a true joy... but having the alone time has been just what our relationship needed. Sometimes I think we put ourselves and our marriage on the back burner. So much seems to come first... we neglect what should be a priority... US !!!!!!! I compare it to nuturing a flower.... if you dont give it water and nutrients, it dies... much the same way a relationship does when its neglected for too long. I almost feel like we have had a second honeymoon phase... it amazes me that, even after ten years I am still as attracted to my husband as I am.

I AM looking forward to seeing our son though, and hearing all about his week. What a week its been... jet skis, pontoon and speed boat rides... I bet now hes going to be wanting all of the above !!! Next month is our trip to Disney World and Clearwater Beach... he will have a full summer. Plus.. his football season starts on August 1st. YES... we are football parents... LOL !

So.. we JUST got back from 6 hours at the lake... YES I know....the SUN is BAAAAAAAAAAD for you... but I will NOT go to Florida without a decent tan... been there done that... so... we go to the lake and bake ourselves to a nice golden brown. It was crowded today with temps being in the 90's... but also very relaxing. Now its time to do my famous Caesar salad and flank steak on the grill... along with a pitcher of margaritas.. what more could anyone ask for ????? Oh yeah... well.. THAT comes later... after dinner... heheheheh......

YES ! It IS hotter than HELL !

2005-06-29T14:55:00.000-04:00

This is day #6 of 90 plus degree weather. All I see are dollar signs going out the window with our utility bill... the kid is at day camp, I hope this day goes better than last week did. I am trying to clean house... the son will be gone for a week with his friend up north. My husband and I will have one , glorious week.. ALONE !!!! Gosh... whatever shall we do.... hmmmmm...... the longest we have been away from our son is 2 nights, I wonder how WE will do ?!?

Things have settled back into the normal "rut", I'm not sure if thats a good or a bad thing.. I guess only time will tell. I am working my ass off to make sure things go well and I don't fall back into my bad habits. Hubby and I had a nice long talk about the vicious circle we fall into when things aren't going as well as we would like between the two of us.... I think we now recognize the warning signs and , hopefully can avoid another "meltdown" .

Why do people( both men AND women are guilty) hurt the ones the say they love the most ? Most of us have, at one point or another in our lives, treated strangers better than we treat our loved ones. I have tried to figure out an answer, but I can't come up with one that makes any sense at all.. anyone out there have a good explanation that they could share ? I guess that is my question of the day !

All in all... my life is going well, my son is happy, both of my daughters have found good men to love and love them in return, my grandson is done with his surgeries... my husband and I are slowly getting back to where we were.... now, if I could just win the damn lottery, my life would be perfect.. or would it ?

2005-06-23T07:58:00.000-04:00

Me and my husband

Why do mornings come so early.....

2005-06-23T06:04:00.000-04:00

Okay.... I wake up early, but 3AM is ridiculous ! And today I have to watch the neighbor kid all day.. yippeeeeeee.. Yesterday was my son's first day at day camp. He was NOT impressed ! He was supposed to be in the group of older kids from 9 to 12, but instead, they put him in with the 6 to 8 year olds. While the older kids got to do sports and games, he was PAINTING ! He was NOT a happy camper.. no pun intended ! HAve you ever said , or done something , that, the minute you have, you regret it ? That happened to me almost 3 weeks ago. SOmetimes I wish I thought things through better instead of letting raw emotion rule my thoughts. My husband and I hit a really bad spot a few weeks ago, and I said and did some things that I can't take back. The problem in doing that, is, it forever changes things. I am hoping in time that the events of that day receed from his memory.... and we can get back to where we were a few months ago. We have survived so many obstacles in the almost ten years we have been together. A "normal" couple probably would have folded years ago. We are still together.... I guess that has to say something about the powers of love. And I DO love my husband ! I have been married before... twice actually... and this is the first time I can honestly say I married for LOVE ! Sad huh ? He is a great man, and a wonderful Dad to our son... I am lucky to have him in my life. I hope we can .. as he always used to say..... " grow old and ugly together"... LOL !I will be 49 next month... I think its time I finally got something right in my life !!!! Ah..... my life... what a story that would be... maybe thats where I should start ... MY pursuit of life.... AND love...

My first posting

2005-06-22T20:08:00.000-04:00

So...here's the deal. I have a cough. I feel like crap. And I really have no desire to be here. Besides...other than my son being upset with "camp" today, (he got stuck with the younger kids), I really have nothing to say today. But, will try again tomorrow.....